It’s been a rough couple of days. Sometimes there is just a lingering sadness, that you can’t seem to get rid of. It’s been lingering of late. I’ve been fighting it, these past few days. But the combination of the sadness, of how uncomfortable I have been physically, and of missing my dad (away on business for the past 3 weeks) has just pulled the fight out of me.
It’s a push and pull trick, keeping the sadness at bay. Sometimes it’s easiest to not acknowledge it, sometimes it’s easier to write about it. But no matter what I try, the process always stays the same. I try to fight it for a little while, and then something small will make me cry and everything will come rushing out. Rushing out to myself, though. I don’t share these moments with other people, because that wouldn’t bring to anything good. It’s not a moment where I need a pep-talk, or a hug, or sympathy. It’s a moment where I need to say hello to the sadness, and let it out to roam the room. When I’m ready, I let it back in and I move on.
There’s something funny about the moments that make me cry. They can be totally trivial, like seeing a cat on the side of the road, missing a phone call, someone misunderstanding something I’ve said or realizing I don’t have any milk for my cereal. Other times they truly are upsetting, like today. I got an 88 on my math test, which isn’t that bad a grade, but I was expecting much more. I made one mistake, on the whole test, and it happened to be worth twelve points. If I hadn’t made that mistake, I would have gotten 100. I’ve been working my butt off all year in math, and this was the last test. I studied so hard, and I felt really prepared. I took the test, and it went really well. I came home with a good feeling, and told my whole family that I think I did well, even better than last time (which was a 93). Now I have to tell them all that I got an 88, which, again, is not such a bad grade. It’s just upsetting, is what I’m saying.
So basically, the moment comes and I let the sadness out, in wretched sobs that tear their way out of my soul. I curl up in a ball, cry, and the anguish takes up residence. After a few minutes, I run the bottom of my wrists under cold water, dry my tears, accept the sadness, and go do something productive. That’s how it ends, until the sadness comes a’knockin’ again.
So today, walking home from school, I listened to Chocolate (by The 1975), which is a strangely uplifting song, then I came inside and let myself cry. After that, I marched to the kitchen and made pancakes. Yeah.
I don’t know if I’m ever going to really be able to make the sadness disappear, because it feels like it’s here to stay. But I think I’m handling it pretty well. I’m a dealer. I deal with the stuff that life throws at me (not drugs). And when things get too hard again, I’ll make some more pancakes. Because hey, pancakes solve problems.
Come on, what would you do? Get up on my feet and stop makin’ up tired excuses. -What Would You Do, City High
P.s. Thank you to Kiersten and Chewitt over at Socially Oxward, for nominating me for The Very Inspiring Blog Award!