Let It All Rain Down

Ice cream, red, melting

It looks good doesn’t it? Well you’re about to be told you can’t eat it. Then it’s going to drip, and rain down on your brand new boots, and you’re going to slip in the puddle of your own misery. I’m in a good mood.

I want to quit. I’m sick of feeling this way, like I’m doomed, because of the pile of homework that is staring at me. I want to quit advanced math and advanced biology. They’re making me miserable. I’m just barely managing to go to school every day, and they’re making it impossible for me to ever feel okay.

I don’t think I can do school. I just don’t think I can do it. I know there are harder things in life, but I don’t see how it’s possible for me to survive this. Actually, let me rephrase that: I don’t see how I can survive this while not losing my mind and my health.

Guys, I’m so tired. It’s insane. My entire body feels like it needs to stop and wheeze every time I try to move because I just have no energy. Every day I wake up and something else is hurting me, and I just have to deal with it. I don’t have a choice. I don’t get to say, “well, it’s my fault, because I should be going to bed earlier”, then change my ways and see results. I get eight or nine hours of sleep every night, and it makes no difference. My pain and fatigue are the same.

The homework, the pressure, the stress: it’s all becoming a little much for me. I have a stiff neck right now on top of it all, and I literally can’t look down, so homework has become this hill I can’t climb over. Every teacher thinks they are teaching the only subject that matters, so they happily grant us the gift of hours of work, without thinking about the fact that maybe we have other stuff to do.

I don’t want to complain about it anymore. I don’t think it would help. I just want to officially put it out there: I am sick of this. My brain is tired, my body is tired, my neck is tense and my patience is gone.

 

_______________________________

 

My school is going on a trip next week. I don’t know how I’ll manage. It’s a three day trip, so for now the plan is for me to leave with the school in the morning (5:45 am), and in the afternoon let my mom know how I’m doing: if I’m fine, she’ll come the following afternoon to pick me up, and if I’m not, she’ll come that evening. The thing is though, that I can’t do any of the hikes, so I’m just going on the bus with them (the student body), dropping them off at the trail, and then going with a bunch of teachers and the secretary to do the food shopping. Then we go pick them up, and when we get back to camp, I’m on kitchen duty (every year, 11th grade is in charge of food). So I’m basically there to be the mom.

Last year I missed the trip entirely, which pretty much sucked. I don’t want that this year, so here I am. I just hope it’s worth it. I have a feeling that ten minutes into the bus ride I’m going to feel sick to my stomach, and half an hour later my head will explode. Then I’ll go do the shopping, and I’ll hurt my neck and knees. When I get on the bus and pick everyone else up, I’ll get a horrible migraine. When I’m working in the kitchen, I’ll hurt my hands. Not to mention I’ll be having cramps all day.

But I’m not pessimistic at all.

Dammit, I just want to have a good time and feel like a normal human being! Is that too much to ask for?!

Virtual hugs are welcome,

Ella

 

Song Quote:

Let it all rain down from the blood-stained clouds, come out, come out, to the sea my love, and just drown with me. –Shallows, Daughter

P.s. Yes, I know the song quote is dramatic and depressing. It matches my mood. It is what it is.

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12 comments on “Let It All Rain Down

  1. Chantelle says:

    Just sent a concentrated wave of peace and relief your way. I hope you feel it even a little bit.

    Like

  2. mlhe says:

    Find an elixir you like…it can be anything you think is magic and that you think has love in it. I think cherries themselves love the color red. Imagine a green cherry. Er erh. Right now, my elixir is cherry juice. If you are going to have a sucky sort of hurty life, you’ve got to find the magic in it, for there IS magic in it.

    Like

  3. l1brarygrl says:

    I feel your pain. I know someone else with Fibromyalgia and it’s constant pain. She’s about 20 years older than I am, too, but she gets her nails done, puts on her make-up, does her hair, looks fabulous, basically flipping off Fibro every day. I’ve severe Rheumatoid Arthritis though you wouldn’t know it to look at me. Severe ’cause it’s latched onto my organs, my left lung, actually. I don’t care for the word, hate, but I hate this disease, all these chronic, debilitating illnesses because nobody knows what it is, you don’t look sick, there are so many worse off than you, blah, blah, blah. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this at such a young age. Peace.

    Like

  4. Hi Ella,

    I found your site because you had liked one of my posts (thank you for that). Thank you – because I don’t know how long it would have taken me to find your site. I am humbled by your strength and courage. You are truly inspiring!

    Hugs hugs and more hugs to you. And I hope you have a wonderful time on the trip!

    Like

  5. sharynd says:

    As I was reading you post I thought, “It sounds like she has fibromyalgia.” Then I noticed that you put tags of Chronic illness and fibromyalgia. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 13 years ago. It has been a long and painful road. I will tell you two things, 1. Eat lots of cantaloupe. Cantaloupe has a natural mussel relaxant that is better then any drug. 2. Know your limits. It will do you know good to beet your body down so that you can do nothing. If you are truly suffering form fibromyalgia it can cripple you if you let it over take you. For years I tried to act as though I didn’t have it. As though if I ignored it it would just go away. Instead in nearly consumed me. It takes a good balance of acceptance and perseverance to find success while living with fibromyalgia.

    Like

  6. Ivy Dashti says:

    Ella Dear,

    It stinks, and their is no sweetener real or substitute to sweeten the deal. However there is choice, and in choice lies some contentment. (Ugh…that sounds Buddhist….whatever…)

    I wish you a terrific trip, especially if you feel good and can hang out with friends at night, (if u stay), and if u do get to see any of the scenery, ( wherever that may be…)

    As someone once told me ” if you hate it than change it. If you can’t change it, than choose it”. That has helped me on occasion. Whatever…

    Like

    • tiredella says:

      Thanks Ivy! By now I’m looking forward to it. Sleeping bag is found and I’m getting pumped! I certainly hope to see some of the scenery, but mostly feel like I’m not being left out. Important stuff.

      Like

  7. Hugs! Sorry your feeling like this, it can be hard at times.

    Like

  8. I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy! I like to think of it as ‘knowing my own limits’ rather than ‘quitting’- it sounds nicer :P!

    Like

  9. Taylor Jamieson says:

    #hugs …me too.

    Like

  10. Ranting Crow says:

    Before the virtual hug could you just slap me out of my bad dream as well :P
    Yes i am a silly crow. keep smiling.

    Like

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