Sharing Is Caring

That’s what I have been taught my whole life. It was the mantra repeated throughout my childhood, and is the nostalgic phrase thrown out in my present. I wholly believe in it.

I’ve had a sharing kind of day. My dad lent me his sweater, I brought some food from home for my friend, another friend shared some of hers with me, I shared my scarf and hat with others who were cold throughout the day, I received yarn as a gift from a friend for whom I knit a hat, and I got a ride home from someone because it was raining. It was all really great, and it got me thinking.

So, sharing is caring, right? We’ve established that. If so, why can’t I share my pain? Why am I the only one of my friends who’s suffering every minute of every day? Why am I the only one who has to worry about her health and her treatments all the time? Why am I the only one who isn’t healthy enough to participate in things?

It’s not that I want my friends to feel like this. I wouldn’t wish Fibromyalgia on anyone, ever. It’s just that I’m frustrated with feeling so alone in it. I can talk about it with my friends, especially a couple of them who are really there for me with this stuff. My class knows what I have (after a really messed up year of it staying a rumor despite the fact that I told everyone what it was). I talk to my parents; they know exactly what I’m going through. All of that is great, and not to be underrated.

But no one feels what I feel. No one knows what it’s like to have this pain, to feel so sick all the time. Anyone who doesn’t feel what I feel the way I feel it would have no way of ever understanding what it’s really like. And that makes me all alone. People care about me, but I can’t share this. I’m the one who wakes up and goes to sleep this way. I’m the one who sits in class with pain travelling through her body. I’m the one who stands talking with people, but is usually actually fighting a migraine, knee pain, exhaustion and more to do so. I’m the one who’s hurting. 

There’s really no solution to all of this. Even this blog isn’t the solution. It helps a lot, don’t get me wrong: seeing positive comments and a show of appreciation for what I write makes my day a lot of times. But it doesn’t take away the pain. I try to keep up with normal life, with the things people my age are doing (by the way, the driving license picture ended up coming out great!). But at the same time, I’m also a really old person: I can predict rain. C’mon, no one my age is supposed to be able to do that. My knees swelled up last week, while my friends were all on vacation in locations around the world, because the weather was changing. And yet I still can’t figure out when to bring my umbrella.

I’m tired of hurting, and of feeling alone. Just tired of it.

Yours truly,

Ella

Song Quote:

It’s taken me a while to tell you, exactly how I feel inside. The words, they may seem simple right now, but they took me a while to find. –Be Alright, Lucy Rose

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10 comments on “Sharing Is Caring

  1. I think you are neato.
    This chronic pain and chronic Otherness drains us, when we are already beyond exhausted.
    I have no smart words to say.
    I am glad I found your blog.

    Like

  2. Maggie says:

    Ella, I want to be more than someone who can’t understand, but I understand that I can’t crawl inside what it’s like to hurt all the time. Perhaps, in a strange way, I am like you in that I have epilepsy and I can never know when the seizure monster will strike. It’s a definite but unpredictable thing and I try to live without the fear of its constant presence.

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  3. didaniskawi says:

    In the greatest of adversity, is born the highest of character. Just as in all tragedy there is divine truth, and in those tragic truths we find our art, and in the pains that plagues our souls, we find our heart. The earth has many angels, the kindest souls who’ve volunteered to suffer the pain of existence, for the benefit of bringing light to the souls of man. Be strong Princess Ella, and remember that your soul doth fly.

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  4. martyvu says:

    I understand the feeling of not being be able to express and share your feelings and pain with others. I too find blogging a great way to feel better about yourself as you relinquish your thoughts. However, if no one is going to listen to you, then listen to them. Find and support someone that is going through the exact same situation as you, and by doing so, you’re showing someone the warmth and comfort that you perhaps may not have with regards to whatever issue. That is what I do, and it really does make me feel better about myself. I love your writing, so keep it up and all the best!

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  5. kenneturner says:

    There are two important words that sum up life — caring and sharing.

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  6. Keep fighting the good fight, Princess Ella.

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  7. l1brarygrl says:

    I’m sorry you have to live with chronic pain. I do, too (rheumatoid arthritis and OA), and feel alone the way you do with most people not understanding what it takes to get through each day. I’m 44 now (just) and have lived with this for over a decade, had knee replacement surgery, and struggle with the knowledge that though I feel like a 27 year old in my head, my body often behaves like an 80 year old. I often feel I can’t make it another day, then have a day that makes me thrilled to be alive. I have my bag of tricks to keep me going, music and moving being two of most powerful. I’m gonna hurt whether I sit or move so I might as well move and preferably outdoors in the fresh air. It sounds like music’s an important part of your life, too. So many songs inspire me to put one foot in front of the other. Try Corinne Bailey Rae’s “Girl, Put Your Records On” if you haven’t already. It never fails to lift my spirits.

    I know a blog doesn’t fix everything, but you’re doing a brave, good thing. The more you shine a light on your life, the more people you’ll inspire. Peace.

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  8. To know that you can’t understand another’s pain is itself a terrible kind of pain. I hurt all the time for other people, for all the good it does them.

    Like

  9. Ivy Dashti says:

    I don’t think that anyone ever really ‘gets’ what people go through , how people feel, how people experience things. Whether it is pain, suffering, joy, fear….whatever it is- we cannot get under another persons skin, or in their heart, or head and feel it like they do… But we can get close… We can feel some of it, or imagine a bit how it is… That’s just the way it is… I like reading your words

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Like

  10. joynpain2 says:

    I do know how you feel. Maybe not having to go through high school with it, but the pain part. I too awake every day with severe pain, deal with it throughout my day, and then try to find a way to sleep with it every night. However I was at university when mine got bad, so bad that I could no longer go out with my friends or even sit through class. So, now you know at least one person who FEELS what you feel. If you ever need to talk my email address is joynpain2blog@gmail.com. If you email me, I will even give you my number if you would rather talk. Stay strong.

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