I’m Scared

Okay world, here’s your chance: what are you trying to tell me? Us? What’s the idea behind all of this? Third car accident in two months. Is there a reason? A message? Because if there is, I’m not getting it. I’m just getting that my family is getting hurt, and scared.

We’re okay. I mean, we’re not, but none of us are in the hospital, or seriously hurt. I just feel my sister’s pain so much. She and my other sister were driving to school six weeks ago and were rammed into from behind. Both were mildly hurt (the middle one has fibromyalgia too), but mainly the oldest suffered a lot from whiplash. This was her first time driving to school since (the middle sister wasn’t with her this time). And again, rear-ended on the same stretch of road as last time.

I just spent the last hour with her and my mom. We were trying to calm her down. She couldn’t stop crying. I hope her neck won’t have any permanent damage at this point. She and my mom just left for the doctor’s.

We’ve been having a hard time as a family. The middle sister and I both have fibro, my dad is always travelling for work (he was abroad for the previous two accidents, and now this one too), and now with all of these accidents happening… Oh, and my mom has shingles right now, to top it all off. My oldest sister was only just starting to regain some sense of normalcy, of being able to move about. I’ve been under a lot of pressure. It’s test season at school, I have all of these tests on everything I am supposed to have learnt in the past two years, back to back, and I’m starting to buckle under the pressure.

So what’s the point, huh? Why is this happening? Because clearly, I must be missing something. If the world wants to say something, it can just frickin’ say it already. Stop hurting my family. I can’t deal with this anymore, it’s too much, I just can’t. My friends are stressed out about tests. That’s it. Why am I the one that has to have all of the bad things? Sick self, sick sister, sick mother, car accidents… When is it going to end? Is our luck going to run out?

I’ve been walking around for the past few weeks being afraid to say good-bye to parents. I’m always scared it will be the last time I see them. The night my dad flew abroad a week and a half ago, I didn’t sleep. At all. I was too scared. There was a storm a few days ago, with thunder shaking up the house. My mom left to go to the doctor, leaving me in charge of the kitchen where we happened to be cooking up our own storm. I was left alone in charge of everything that was cooking at the time, frying this, measuring that, checking on that, stirring whatever. The thunder was so loud, I was in such a frenzy multitasking, I just suddenly got this feeling that something really, really bad was happening, right at that second. As my mom was leaving, my sister was trying to get the other car to start so she could drive herself to the physical therapist’s office, a five-minute drive. The car alarm went off, and it wouldn’t stop. It was the siren, the thunder, the sizzling, and I felt like I was drowning. Drowning in worry, I guess.

I didn’t burn any of the food. My sisters complained that the chicken was a little underdone. My family made it home okay. My dad is safe, far away at work. I told myself to calm down. I wrote in my diary that I’m really scared something is going to happen to one of my loved ones, and told myself that now I could let it be and try to move on. But then I was talking to my friends, and they all said that even with school pressure and things, they still felt like it was going to be a really great week. I was the only one that did not agree. I couldn’t help it, I was upset and worried, still. I told them I had a bad feeling about the week.

Then today I woke up, and my mom pulled me aside as I headed to get some breakfast and whispered, “she was in another car accident”. She whispered because she could barely bare to say the words. Now I’m alone at home, sitting in my room and writing. I actually woke up today, with this feeling that maybe I could make this week be a little more fun. I decided to have a dance party, but who can dance on an empty stomach?

So I never had my dance party. All my energy went to my sister, I have none left right now. I still have to go to school, and I have art later. I’m exhausted.

I don’t know why this is happening. I’m not sure I ever will. Just please, please, whoever makes these decisions, take pity on us already. We’re good people. My parents, my sisters, myself – we’re all very good, decent people. We don’t deserve this. I know no one does, but still, we really don’t. We have enough troubles already.

We don’t need more.

If you’re religious, any kind of religion, pray for us. If you’re not, just hope in your hearts for my family and me that we’ll be okay. I’ll take any help I can get at this point.

I’m scared,


Song quote:

Alice, there’s no reflection in the looking glass, you wear your party dress but there’s no party to attend… She’s looking for a way to escape and wondering whether she can find a way out without being seen… There’s no one left in paradise, just a pack of cards without the hearts. –Alice, Mononoke


25 comments on “I’m Scared

  1. clairet703 says:

    I happened to read this post while checking out your blog. Of course it’s long ago now and hopefully life has moved on to sunnier climes, but somehow it stuck with me. Being a believer I prayed for you and your family of course, but still the remembrance stuck around till this morning a poem jammed itself in my head. It’s a gift of empathy written from the perspective of age (I also went through some tough times in my youth) I hope you enjoy this tribute to you.written from the perspective of your future life partner.

    She breezed into my life one day just blown upon the wind,
    Naught to tell me who she was or exactly where she’d been.
    She’d suffered much that was clear, her clothes were soiled and torn,
    But her eyes beamed out across the world, (they had since she was born.)
    She was more than overcomer, though that was very plain,
    She’d had to make this toilsome road while often wracked in pain.
    But the smile upon her countenance, the gleam within her eye
    Just seemed to melt life’s icicles as she’d go striding by.
    The pains of life ne’er touched her, she had a trick you see
    She focused only on the good, the helpful and the free.
    And as she knelt beside me to gently help me up
    I saw the heart within her that never would give up.
    I sensed a kindred spirit and as I took her hand
    I knew that this was no mistake, in someway it was planned.
    She’d grown so from her burdens that when her eyes were raised
    She knew how to turn dross to gold, the answer was to praise!
    I joined her on her journey, together we shall see
    The flaming of the evening and love eternally.
    For she herself was special, the beauty of the girl!
    The friction and the pain of life had turned her to a pearl!


  2. bkpyett says:

    Are you able to think of something positive that happened in the day, before you go to sleep?
    If you can start with one thing, next night try to think of two. I really think if you can stop the pattern of negative thinking, things will begin to change. I send my love to you and think of it as a warm blanket to keep you wrapped in love! xx
    From Barbara in Australia


  3. I feel for you. Been going through a lot of crap here too. Last year was really bad – well it was 2013 -13 you know? My take on it is – and here’s where crazy lady me comes in – is that God is just not listening to us.

    All I can say is hang in there and be strong about what you want and need.


    Sharon A.


  4. I am so sorry for all you are going through. I know this is just a small part of it, but I want to tell you that I too have suffered with fibromyalgia and found pilates extremely helpful. I am not religious but I think everyone has some kind of faith where praying is essential, so yes, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope things have gotten better since this blog was written.


  5. boobooda7 says:

    I’m praying for you tiredella! When things are at the bottom, they have only one way to go…and that is up. God speed. Geo (Soul Passages)


  6. MelKay says:

    I too was in a car accident before being diagnosed, thank God it wa only the one time. I was in the car alone an it smashed in the own passager side of the car. The impact caused me to feel tingle and pressure in my finger tips.


  7. S. says:

    First, please accept my empathy at the unfair and shity nature of life. It sucks and, for me at least, if I just exist, is a series of unfortunate events. But if i take the conscious decision to live, a subtle shift in my thinking, suddenly I see the catastrophizing for what it is. Instead of hoping for the best, – hope sets you up for disappointments according to that voice – uiu expect the worst. By constantly expecting the worse, there is almost a sense of vindication when the worst happens.
    Sorry this went meandering away from my point… Which I forget now.
    Anyway, wonderful post!
    Xo – S.


  8. LaModaDiVJ says:

    I know exactly what you are going through and I question this fate so much. But to have faith in yourself and the future is what will help you become stronger. You have the power to change whatever you want in your life for the better and when the chances come by, don’t be afraid to make those changes for the better! Stay strong & may 2014 be a better year for the both of us :)


  9. Grasping for words says:

    The saying is old and possibly cliche that “when it rains it pours” but it’s true. I’m sorry you’re going through so much stress, but trust me, it does end. I’m not sure what your age is but it sounds like you are younger by your talk of school. I’m not going to tell you to not worry because you’re young. That never works. The stress you are in is real, but remember, that you’ll look back at this in a couple of months, a year, two years and think, “I made it through that”. I’ve gone through some nasty stressors. I used to get hives from stress in school, then it escalated to seizures. I had to learn to center myself at night and realize that these things will eventually pass and I just have to power through as gracefully as I can.
    Here’s another cliche but true saying. God gives you only what you can handle. Sometimes I think He likes to test the waters to see what you can take. Maybe this is one of those moments. These times feel like forever but they will pass and you’ll look back and they’ll seem like a flash.

    Good luck and I’ll keep you in my prayers. Hold tight and look to your family and prayer to get through.



  10. Maxima says:

    Merry Christmas and Best Wishes for the New Year! With love Maxima


  11. M. R. says:

    Your mindset is very important when you find yourself thinking “everything is against us!” … There are psychologists who say that being negative creates negative situations, for instance. Only the gods know how right they are (I certainly don’t!); but I do know that once I start to feel like a victim, I become one.


  12. seunodukoya says:

    It hurts to know that people go through so much and there’s little you can do to help. I do wish you the very best, and I will pray for you guys.

    You’ll get through this stronger as a family and individually.


  13. mrstripedtie says:

    Stay Strong, may God love you.


  14. dimitrijude says:

    Reaching out is always a great step, you should read this out loud, to god. If you aren’t ready to, or don’t believe. Then I would be more than willing to talk to you. As I hsve been thru similar struggles and they seemed never ending. Send me a message if you’d like to talk.


  15. HI Ella,

    While I don’t know you very well, Ella, I know that he knows and loves you and my prayer for you is that Christ will make us way through the back roads and alleys of life into your life.
    Blessed are you Ella for the Kingdom of God belongs to such as you (and me too).



  16. But…on the bright side, you are all alive and together. Hope you guys can help each other get through all this uncertainty.


  17. Jumping_Jenny_444 says:

    I’m sorry to hear that you and your family are going through a rough time. I’ll be praying for all of you.
    ~Jenn xx


  18. Coming from a Christian background, and trying to put myself in your shoes, the two verses at the end of this comment are where I would turn to, to start with seeking peace of heart and mind in the worry it sounds like you are seriously suffering from.

    I could supply more passages if asked, but you asked for prayers and are seeking answers, not specifically through scripture in your post, so I will pray, and just leave the two passages below, and hope that the have some influence on your questioning why this is happening in your life, in a way that shows you that though you may not find out the answers, people like me believe there is a God who knows, and can help, whether or not anyone knows why this stuff is happening.

    Whether you get answers or not, perhaps my simply commenting and other people’s encouraging comments are functioning as answers to prayer, in encouraging you and providing you with consolation and comforting proof that people care and are here for you, which may be what you need to get through your worries during this time.

    If you want more scripture references that I think may be relevant, ask, but I am not going to pretend that I am God and that I know the perfect things to say to make everything better… I know often times things are just made better to some extent, by people actually listening to what is going on, and them having some understanding of what a person in your situation is going through. If that’s what you really need and all the answered prayers that will be answered favorably about your uncertainty, it looks like you are at least getting that already from the comments above and through this comment (I hope!)

    “5 As you do not know the way the spirit comes to the bones in the womb of a woman with child, so you do not know the work of God who makes everything.”
    – Ecclesiastes 11:5 ESV

    “26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. ”
    – Romans 8:26 ESV


  19. rjl2727 says:

    well, i used to be religious, but now i’m more just hopeful, so i will hope that things get better for you all. i’m not sure i believe anymore that things happen for a reason or to provide a message to us. i believe life is really random and any of us at anytime can experience any sequence of events, good, bad, or both, with no explainable pattern. i think the message is what we make out of it or how we interpret things. but i may be wrong. either way, i do hope and say a prayer, which is essentially the same thing, that you will be alright and that i will quickly get better for you.


  20. When it rains it certainly does pour, I’m so sorry your family is going through this right now. Hope things get better soon!


  21. zdunno03 says:

    You’ll be in my prayers.


  22. Topaz says:

    I’m so sorry. Praying for your family. Stay strong. xx


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