Okay, What Now?

 

 

Stick Figures

 

I want to reach out my hand and participate, but before my hand can move a fog wafts before my brain and all optional activity halts. I stop thinking, stop moving, and stop feeling. Then, surprise surprise, I feel disconnected. For the past two weeks, it has just felt like I’m going through the motions but I’m not really there. Though feeling disconnected can happen to anyone, this feels like fibro fog. I hate it.

The only times when I’ve felt present in these couple of weeks has been while driving. I’ve had four driving lessons so far, and I love it. When I’m driving, I have to be present, and nothing else exists in my brain except the steering wheel, the pedals, the driving teacher and the road. And other cars and pedestrians, I guess. But it’s like there is nothing wrong with life, nothing sad or hard going on, no headache even, because I am completely focused on being alert and aware of my surroundings and in control of where I’m headed. It’s a welcome change, being so wholly focused on one thing that I can’t feel pain.

Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with myself. Lately I end up in these situations where I get to a certain point and I go blank; what now? Like talking to a group of people, for example: we’re talking, getting along, I feel happy to be with people, and then suddenly I just feel my brain being wiped clear and I’m vacant inside. I’m looking at the people around me, at my friends, and I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. Do I say something? Should I get up? Should I stuff food into my mouth? I usually do the latter, but it has become increasingly hard seeing as I’ve been put on a gluten-free, dairy-free, processed-free diet for medical reasons. You don’t really get to have comfort food when you’re on a fun-free diet.

I told my friend about this void that appears within me, and about how unmotivated I seem to be (notice the missing post that should have shown up a week ago but that I never wrote), and she told me that she understands and maybe I need to give myself a break. So I did. Well, sort of. I did whatever homework was for the following day, but didn’t plan ahead and do the opposite of procrastination (which is what I usually do because I seem to have been born that way). It helped a little, mainly with feeling guilty about not getting things done; when you decided not to do it, it’s less bad than just not having the inclination to do it. That said, the feeling still showed up today, and I feel it looking back on everything that has gone on. I still feel detached.

I’ve decided it’s just a defense mechanism, and it will go away. I’m sure everyone gets this way sometimes. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t have a wide range of emotions, and feeling disconnected is somewhere on that range. This is life: I embrace it. There are going to be ups and downs. Like hills. Which I have mastered. Ooh I have a good metaphor similie thing!!! I know when to press the gas, and when to use the breaks- I know how to take care of myself. Ah get it?! Oh my, I am so so proud right now. Just saying.

Also, Tim over on tcopelandfilm/storiesnotworthreading wrote something that was inspired by my blog. I suggest reading our discussion at the bottom of the page because it actually made way more sense to me after he replied to my comment and explained where he was going with it. Thank you, Tim, it meant a lot to see that what I’ve been writing has been able to inspire someone else.                                                http://storiesnotworthreading.wordpress.com/2013/12/27/hinged-lives/

 

Yours truly,

Ella

Song Quote:

I took a walk on a Saturday night, fog in the air, just to make my mind seem clear. –My Fault, Imagine Dragons

P.s. It’s been forever since I sat down to write something. This feels good. Anyone else notice that I’m getting frighteningly close to a thousand followers?! Technically it doesn’t count until 1001, because I do follow myself, but 1000 is just a prettier number.

 

 

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12 comments on “Okay, What Now?

  1. lisagasko says:

    You are not alone in how you feel. It gets better trust me. I was about bedridden for 8 years and now I run duathlons. The diet is a great. Get your B12 checked too.

    Like

  2. I can identify with brain fog, mine has a fun way of appearing right in the middle of a conversation, I literally lose my words, the ability to speak. At it’s worst I go completely blank, like having a mini epileptic seizure (it’s not, I got tested!). Still, I think sitting and watching life from within a bubble is till better than not watching at all. Stay strong((hugs))

    Like

  3. mariyaah says:

    When I initially started my driving lessons I used to love it as well. I used to be so crazy about it that even at nights I used to move my hands upright,to and fro as if I am still holding the steering wheel :)
    Liked your content.
    Following your blog

    Like

  4. mms20 says:

    I once tried to describe that very disconnect to a friend of mine and he had no idea what I was talking about. But I definitely know what you mean. When it’s like you’re watching life happen around you but you’re completely apart and separate from it all, just a spectator and not a participant. I know what it’s like dealing with chronic pain and how it all seems so futile, but focus on the good, if you can, and if not focus on one small thing, anything at all to help take your mind from everything and to help you re-connect so to speak. I find that when you focus in, it makes everything a little more bearable. Idk if that will make sense, but I hope it does and I hope you feel better.

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  5. I feel like this all the time. Nice to know that I’m not the only one. Power to ya girl! We can push through.

    Like

  6. InfiniteZip says:

    I really enjoyed this….can’t wait to read more…..I procrastinate too…yep…I do.

    Like

  7. thebattlefieldwithin says:

    haha great job on the metaphor simile thing! Your writing is very beautiful (=

    Like

  8. Taylor Jamieson says:

    I love following the process of your writing and how your voice calms and your thoughts focus and you find your place at a destination you didn’t know you were headed when you started…

    more than doctors or pills or even the pretty girls at physio after my accident, just saying, I find the words are the best therapy in themselves in the stolen moments.

    what should you do at 1000? …at the first 10k I ran after the doctor said I’d never run again a bunch of people along the beach put up a banner between two posts that read, .life has no finish line. I was pushing a stroller in the rain with my little son and they cheered.

    They were right, there is no finish line. A true traveler has no destination and does not know when they will arrive.

    Keep writing.

    :)

    Like

  9. A M Maxim says:

    I love this. Your content is golden. I wish more people would think like you. Keep it going.

    Like

  10. You have a way with words … It’s amazing. It is terrible that you are going through these hard times and it makes me sad, yet, it is inspiring to see how you write about all that you have been through. It seems to me you are a good person, good things are bound to come your way.

    Like

  11. I feel for you girl, my Bride has been sick since about Nov 1st. I got sick for about 3 weeks during Dec but am over it now. This winter sure has been rough on a lot of folks. I hope you get better soon.

    Like

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