For always, I’ve been worried about death. To just… disappear like that? No one will ever be able to know just who you were. Your history and experiences are recorded nowhere. All of the thoughts you’ve thought, all of your feelings… they’re just gone. Never to be seen again.
Sure, your family will remember you, and your friends. But you won’t exist anymore. Ever.
It’s scary. Here I am, a living, breathing human being. And in seconds, I can be gone, along with everything I feel inside. And just like that, I’ll never be able to talk to anyone again, I’ll never see another person, I’ll never hug anyone, and I’ll never get to experience new things. Suddenly the latest conversation I had with every person will be the last.
I’m not conceited enough to think that the world will be any different without me. If I die, I’ll just die. Simple. I want someone to tell me that the world will be a less good place without me in it. That I’m important, that I’m worth something. I try to spread goodness around me, and I try to make a positive imprint. I write down my feelings so that they can’t be lost. I save pieces of things that mean something to me. I don’t want to disappear. But I don’t have a choice in the matter, not really.
I’m not going to end my own life. That’s not what all these thoughts about death are about. It’s about the opposite: I don’t want to die. Because then I won’t be alive anymore.
Yours truly,
Ella
Song Quote:
Oblivion is calling out your name. -Oblivion, Bastille
Sick and Sick of It 
Hi, it is so amazing that you mentioned your thoughts about death. I, too, have these same exact feelings. Sometimes, I feel like I am afraid to die, what if after being buried 6 feet under I realize that I am actually buried 6 ft under? And, what if I get burned up instead of having a visible funeral of my body, and while I am burning that I feel the fire? These thoughts are crazy, but yes I have had them. I do not dwell on these thoughts, but they are thoughts that have crossed my mind.
I would think about how my daughter and the rest of my family would feel once I am gone. How sad It would make everyone that I know. Yes, we will be missed and things will be different. Everything that happens impacts the life of another person in some way or the other.
However, the more that I am learning and understand about death, and that it is just another part of life, and that you really do not start living until you die, I am less afraid. I am getting there – to the point that I will not be afraid at all. I think we all are afraid of what we do not no know, never heard or never experienced. In reality, yes we all have to die, just as we were all born with a birthd ate, we all have a death date as well. Actually, we were born to live, then die. Some may think we were born to be famous, rich, etc, but this is not true. The in-between of our stories are merely the pages of our lives containing various life experiences so that we can either learn, not learn, understand or not understand, accept or not accept. Whatever choice we make, it too was already destined that we make that choice; as you stated “we don’t have a choice”.
What we do have is a creator of heaven and earth who created all things and purposed all things to be as they are, and as they will be for everyone. We do not have a choice of the way our story goes because we did not write the script. We are merely actors, playing out the parts that were given to us.
Now, that I understand that all things are purposed and I am just an instrument among the gazillion instruments that were created to give praises and honor to the one and only savior, I am grateful for even having been created, born, and lived….so why should I be afraid of dieing? Especially since I cannot change or impede my destiny.
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actually, ” everybody dies “. :/
House M.D. taught me this and I have seen it becoming true several times.
when death is certain, its better to live and enjoy the living moments.
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nice perspective
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When I was much younger I focused on death too. I was a sad kid but didn’t want to end anything, I just wasn’t very happy living at that particular time. I wrote in diaries and felt rather blue. As I’ve grown older and had children (now 16 and 13) my entire perception has changed. The most important thing I’ve learned is ‘there is no specific time, it just is.’ When I was in my early teens, my grandfather passed away. This was my first experience with death on a personal level. I was so very proud of myself for not crying like everyone else during his funeral and during the first 2 days of the wake. On the third day, however, I lost it. I sobbed like there was no tomorrow and then something odd happened – a comforting image appeared in my head and it has been comforting me ever since – a big white kitchen. I could clearly see my grandfather cooking his famous tomato sauce standing over the stove. And then my other grandparents passed and they too went to the big white kitchen. They are seated at the table, drinking wine, playing cards and laughing. So when people in my life pass on they go to the big white kitchen as is my plan!
AnnMarie :-)
I hope you feel well this week
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The Buddha says death is just a shedding of our earthly body into our spirit. That feels right to me. Surely a spirit as brilliant as yours will ever stop shining.
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I love the way you write. I feel like your heart is speaking to mine. It’s passionate, beautiful, clear and concise.
Oblivion touched my heart. I think of the finality of death too. I’ve been in such excruciating pain, that, in the moment, I wanted to die…but only in the moment :). And then other days when I woke up after a severe episode of migraine I was amazed and pleased.
I wanted to share an article with you that gave me and continues to give me a reason to cope. It highlights that your feelings about non-existence makes sense. And shows that the world would be different without you in it and that death is not the end.
I don’t know if you’re a religious person but I hope you will take a look at the article: http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/2009410?q=God+cares&p=par
If you decide to read it, let me know what you think. Whether you agree or disagree and please feel free to ask any questions.
But do know that you are very valuable. More valuable that you probably realise.
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It’s just change. When you die here on earth you change form and exist in/on another. Over time, more and more humans will access these others like I do, manifesting a new enlighten knowing for the human race. So you will not “just… disappear like that?”
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You are so precious to the one who love you and you can make a change in the wotld that surrounds you, even if it is a very small change! Many many people could use your help, you could make their life more meaningful in your presence!
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Read Sum: Tales from the Afterlives – a lovely book that will add to your thoughts and comments.
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Love that book
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I think your post was wonderful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I think we all have those types of fears but it is truly wonderful to hear I am not alone. My fear is a little different.
I am afraid that people will forget who my daughters were. They were wonderful young women and had such much good in them. They tried to live a good life and were very loving. But one day they will be forgotten and that hurts.
After they died we bought 2 park benches and placed them on the property of the church they attended. But I just don’t feel like that is enough. So I am trying to get the courage up to write a book about their life with Cystic Fibrosis. But who am I kidding, I am not a writer. Sure I do a blog but that is a bit different.
With out getting all churchy, I do believe I will be with them one day. I will hold them in my arms and we will laugh and cry. I don’t think my life would be worth living if I thought I would never see them again.
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I like how you’ve said this.
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oh please do write that. If a book seems to large an undertaking start with writing your thoughts on their lives, your memoirs of them. It will all unfold itself as you go. Never be afraid to admit the faith that you WILL be together again. Faith gives rise to hope and I think there is little more needed in this world. Spread your hope. Many mothers have known your heartache. Many young people have fought the battle your daughters waged. They all need your story. The unknown is a terrifying thing for many. Help them know a little more about the journey taken
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Beautiful post! I wrote on my own fears surrounding death for a blog challenge I recently participated in, doing “D” for “Death.” I have similar fears of being forgotten and am terrified that there is potentially nothing there. It just ends.
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But that’s the whole point of death, that scary abyss that’s just right around the corner constantly hovering over our heads, is only a reminder. A reminder that Life and everything in it, will always be precious. A reminder to value your experiences, your conversations, your feelings and emotions, your trinkets and mementos, because the truth is, it could be your last, that’s why you should hug people deeply, laugh loudly, feel profoundly, and love without limitations. That’s why you shouldn’t be afraid to do anything, because Death can come for anyone of us. In olden days, people would say “memento Mori” which in English means “Remember that you will die one day” And it’s not meant to discourage you, no, it’s meant to inspire you to do all of the things that you were scared to do before, why? Because if Death is the worst thing that can happen, then anything else, would be simply a blessing. I’ve experienced Death firsthand (my father died) and although I mourned him, I knew that the Dead wouldn’t want us to be in a constant state of sorrow, but to LIVE for them, live because they no longer can, experience the things that they no longer can experience, and to remember that Life always goes on. I really hope that you see your words and message and become inspired, not nervous or scared.
“Never take life too seriously, because in the end, no one gets out alive.” -Oscar Wilde.
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Every person leaves their mark on the world. Relationships are something that death cannot take away. Your post does remind us that we need/want to leave a good mark.
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As a blog writer, your words will always be there! Better yet, put a collection into a book. I’m a huge proponent of writing memoir, a living legacy to those any of us leave behind.
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This type of mental theme has been with me a lot this month as well. I’ve lost friends off and on since I was three-years-old. I’m far from my family so I worry constantly, what if I don’t see them again? What if I don’t hear my daughter’s voice? What if something happens to THEM? I’ve even set up my life insurance because of this fear. I’m not past the fear yet. It’s actually gotten worse as I’ve gotten older. I really do understand. I’ve thought through who might get what items to remember me by.
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It is something inescapable to the mind, especially when living with illness. Pain is death’s gentle reminder (gentle- who am I kidding?) that there are things worse than death. I can’t help thinking that the suffering is what gives us the strength, the courage, to light into whatever the next unknown is. Is there a somewhere after this, an interaction? I totally do believe that there is- there has to be. There are too many experiences that point that way. I wrote a piece about a couple of my experiences with death. I also wrote of some dear people I knew and their experiences, and a few from people I cared for. Honestly how else could there be anything but becoming the contributions to all that is, that was, that is yet to be, I doubt it is anything like the experiences in this life. But rest assured there is a presence. There is comfort. There is love. There is joy. WHat of the vacancy we leave behind. Surely there is reason and in that reason there is room for another. We will have touched those who love us in an irreplaceable way. WHo and how they are in part carries with it part of ourselves. It is inextricable. It is in the giving of ourselves that we look for no return…but know it was done with the purity of giving- that is the us remaining with those who love us.
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I understand exactly what you mean, and I always used to be terrified of death. But now, as a Christian, I know that at the very moment of death I will go straight into God’s arms, which is very comforting, though not much help to you right now, perhaps XXXXXX
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You won’t disappear from the hearts of people who love you, and that’s all that matters, really.
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