The stark difference between outside and inside doesn’t pass my notice. On the outside, I am calm, silent and still. Inside, there is so much movement it makes me sick. Or is the sick the cause of the movement? My heart is all aflutter; it feels as though everything within me is jumping, shivering, quaking.

They call my name. I walk in. I am only thoughts and yet I have no thoughts. We sit. The two men are seated before us. They tell me to talk. I’m surprised to find words leaving my mouth. I barely remember what I said.

Then one of the men starts talking, and I hate the things he says. Implying I have complete control over my body, and I could be better if I wanted to be. Implying I don’t get out of bed. Implying I’m making things sound worse than they are. The other man tells him to leave me alone. He doesn’t. And one thing he said shines in bright letters across the reel of my mind: “maybe if she just tries she’ll be better”. Maybe if he just tries he’ll be less stupid.

I want to run away. But heaven knows I can’t run. All I know I can do is cry, but I don’t. Then we’re getting up, and we’re walking out of the room, and the other kids my age look up at my face. I know they are there for the same reason I am, and they both look good. Like me. Put together. Dressed well. But wrong inside. A part of me wants to smile at them, encourage them, but I can’t seem to control the muscles of my face. Oh, I remember. It’s because I’m holding them tight so I don’t sob. Good thing I remembered.


I am sweating. I can feel myself shaking, but I don’t know if that is only inside. I still want to cry. I want to go home. I don’t want to stand in line. I don’t want to repeat the verdict five times to unsympathetic people. Isn’t the verdict good though? Isn’t it what I wanted to hear? The outcome was the best it could have been, I suppose. I know this makes no sense to anyone but me. I apologize.

But I hold it together, and I make it home. Composure. I am a master at it. I go about the rest of my day, but now it is night, and it all decomposes. I can’t hold it together anymore. The composure, I mean. Not the rest. The rest I hold together whether I like it or not, because there is no other alternative for me. But the composure – yes, that is gone. Officially. Like my documents are today.

I would wish you a good whatever, but I am pretty sure that is not what it is.



Song Quote:

I’m sorry for the honesty, but I had to get this off my chest. –The Man, Ed Sheeran


I really am sorry for the kind of depressing post today. I wrote this the other day after a not so fun experience, and as I always try to be honest with you and share how I truly feel about things I decided to put this up. There are moments when I feel like I can handle anything, and moments when I don’t. Sometimes everything just becomes a bit much for me to handle. The good news is, when I feel like that I write it down and then I feel a little better.

Totally unrelated, but… Time is almost up! You need to send in your competition entries today! You can find all of the information about the competition and how to enter right here: http://smurl.ws/0zi1tm  It’s still anyone’s game! 

12 comments on “Honesty

  1. red1263 says:

    I thank you for your honest words, You have no idea how little the people of this world hears them. Please, always be honest.


  2. me2013 says:

    Never ever apologise for your feelings and never bottle them up. Our feelings are what make us us, and you sound like a very nice, warm person. Hang in there


  3. ourhatfieldhomestead says:

    I know this feeling well. So sorry.


  4. Lois Roelofs says:

    Your writing expresses exactly the way I feel at times. Thank you.


  5. bekswhoknits says:

    Never apologise for writing what you feel.
    It’s beautifully written and particularly poignant for me at the moment.



  6. plus+beauty27 says:

    Very well written! It sucks that people are always so quick to judge on outer appearance. Just because you don’t look sick doesn’t mean that you aren’t. Sometimes when I go to the doctor, I ask myself to I dress nicely or do I dress down? I really do think there is a difference in the way you’re treated.


  7. It takes a lot of courage to open up your soul the way you did in this post. All I can say, is that I hope you will get rid of your demons soon. You deserve light to creep into your life. Who knows the surprises that are hidden around the corner. We all appreciate your exquisite writing skills.


  8. cgbalu says:

    Honestly…getting off the chest the frustrations in a composed way composes the mind. Keep writing.


  9. InfiniteZip says:

    honesty is a good thing and I don’t take a depressing post personally, I just send more love and healing thoughts to those that need it most and being honest is something a lot of people do not do so well, no apologies needed for being who you are, a beautiful soul who is human like the rest of us:)


  10. Gabrielle says:

    I so love the way you write, Ella. I can feel what you feel and as I was reading this post I felt like I connected to you. Your words touched my heart as it was how I can put into words what I’m feeling right now. You inspire me. :D

    Liked by 1 person

  11. aoifemalone says:

    Never ever say sorry for how you feel and never feel the need to explain yourself – pain and emotions are constant + without acceptance/feeling them we’ll never work out a way to get past them. Hope your week is going better xx


  12. Don’t apologize. Sadness and pain are as much a part of life as happiness and pleasure are and it’s all part of the universe’s experience of itself through us.


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