My Relationship with Taylor Swift


As far as relationships go, Taylor Swift’s and mine was a pretty happy love story* for a bunch of years. I was about eleven or twelve years old when I started listening to her music, and I was enchanted. I would memorize all of the lyrics, practice the tunes until I got them just right, and even make up dances to my favorite songs. There were times when the two of us were inseparable, and I would spend hours trying to figure out the coded messages she slipped into her lyric books.

When “Speak Now” came out, I bought my copy right away and took to pacing up and down my living room while listening to it. I had just started at a new school, and I remember being on the bus when a few girls up front started singing “Sparks Fly”, and being overjoyed that I too knew all of the lyrics. When someone said that all of the songs on the album sounded too similar, I defended T-Swizzle’s honor and gave them a long speech (well, it was more of a soliloquy) about how her songs are well crafted, ingenious and beautiful. I was a Swiftie to the core.

But then, entirely out of the blue, in the fall of 2012, Taylor Swift and I had a falling out. It was dreadful, and I was dying to know if it was killing her like it was killing me. I don’t think it was though. Taylor Swift once told me that to be her friend all I had to was like her and listen, and I was failing royally at that. I was disappointed in her new album, “Red”, though for a short period of time in my younger years red was my favorite color. I decided she was a bad singer who was fairly hypocritical and fake, and who should have kept her beautiful curls whole.

The thing is, our falling out wasn’t entirely out of the blue. In truth, it had everything to do with the summer that preceded said fall. I was fifteen in the summer of 2012, and I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia while at the same time the growth I had found on my back was declared cancerous. I was intensely upset and dreadfully angry, but mostly I was confused. Despite that, I had made a vow to myself many years earlier that no matter what personal hardships arose, I would never, ever, take out my anger on the people around me.

I retreated into myself, and for a little while lost touch with peace and serenity. “Red” came out that October. Are you starting to see the shockingly obvious connection between my emotional state and the condition of my relationship with Taylor Swift? I kept my promise; I didn’t take my anger out on the people around me. But I did take it out on Taylor.

Taylor is blissfully unaware of my existence, because despite my sudden loathing of her I never spread a bad word about her. There was no trash talk on her social media pages, hateful comments on her videos, or mean emails that came from me. I did not turn my words into knives and swords and weapons. My issues with her were personal, and only my family and closest friends knew of our sad, beautiful, tragic love affair.

If you allow me to quote her song Fifteen, “when you’re fifteen, don’t forget to look before you fall, I’ve found time can heal most anything.” I was fifteen, and I had been in a lot of lonely places, but few were as lonely as being isolated by an illness I had, and have, no control over. I tried to be fearless, I tried to breathe, but I was coming undone despite being tied together with a smile.

The song that led me back to positive terms with Taylor is “The Lucky One”. In it, she says “they tell you that you’re lucky but you’re so confused, cause you don’t feel pretty, you just feel used and all of the young things line up to take your place… you wonder if you’ll make it out alive”. It’s an honest song, and it reminded me that Taylor is a person, just like me, who also goes through phases and who has also has hard times.

So, Taylor, this is me swallowing my pride, standing in front of you and saying I’m sorry. It has been two years since then, and my state of shock** and anger turned into a state of sadness, one I haven’t fully gotten out of yet. Time has passed, and I know I had no right to be angry with you, to criticize you, or to pass judgment on your hair. Your hair is beautiful just the way you like it. You do have a good voice, and I do know all of the lyrics to all of your songs, and I do still appreciate you and your music (like, a lot).

I know there is nothing you do better than revenge, but please, forgive me? Can we begin again?

I have adopted the motto of “live and let live”, and though I still feel as though I have personal relationships with certain singers because I connect with them and their feelings through their music and lyrics, I no longer feel as though they have actual obligations towards me. They don’t owe me songs I’m going to like. I believe that they should write what they need to write, and if I don’t like it, I can stick to listening to their older material that I do like.

I’m writing this for several reasons: a) I wanted to apologize to Taylor Swift and b) the nature of our relationship demonstrates the process I have gone through since the two separate and inconveniently overlapping diagnoses of two years ago. Before them, though not carefree, I still had hoards of energy with which to pace rooms endlessly and “fangirl” hard. During and after them, I felt trapped in a dark and confining cage and my soul was banging around between the bars. My life was in upheaval. As time passed, though my physical pain did not diminish and has even worsened, I have gained perspective and a personal understanding of pain and its aftermath. I have become a better person, who is well equipped to deal with hardship and is used to gearing up to tackle each day as a separate obstacle. The anger has mellowed out, basically. And now I just wish as many people happiness as I can, and that includes Taylor Swift.



*Italics are either titles of songs interwoven as words, lyrics from songs, references to things she wrote in her lyric books or clever adjustments of lyrics to fit the sentence and context.

**play on the song called “State of Grace”


15 comments on “My Relationship with Taylor Swift

  1. Abby says:

    Oh, Wow, beautiful


  2. DotedOn says:

    Dear Ella,
    I’ve nominated you for two awards :)


  3. Yasmin Ward says:

    I was very moved by your bravery and honesty. You’re clearly blessed with the gift to be able to reflect generously and communicate your insight beautifully. Have tweeted and also hope Taylor read your story. Peace and love :-)


  4. Julie Weaver says:

    Hi Ella, I must say that you are a source of inspiration for me because you are so young and yet have so much courage. I really hope Taylor gets a chance to read this too.


  5. Topaz says:

    This is incredibly beautiful! As a huge Taylor fan since I was 7 years old, she’s done so much for me – inspired me to pick up the guitar and start writing songs, guided me through some hard times, and just been there when no one else was. I must admit that when I clicked on this post I was expecting a scathing rant on how terrible she’s become and how much she’s changed, and I’m just so ridiculously happy to see that it’s exactly the opposite. This warmed my heart. Stay beautiful, love. xxxxx


  6. Chloe says:

    Hi Ella, I’m 17, am OBSESSED with Taylor (have been since I was 11) and have fibro too. I totally understand and can empathise with this post. I really hope you are able to get taylor to see it. Loads of love, Chloe xxx


  7. pejasmine697 says:

    Reblogged this on sheknowsshewrites and commented:
    I have been waiting for this post to be published for nearly over a week now and it’s finally here. YAAAYYY!!!
    For my fellow #swiftie and for everyone of us who is going through one difficult phase or the other and feel like it will never end.
    Here’s to hope and believing that better times are approaching faster than you can imagine. Be well…


  8. Why didn’t that post??? Anyway, I’m much older, but my personal song hero was Gwen Stefani. We had our falling out too some years ago.


  9. Mz_Dami says:

    Reblogged this on Damilola Odewale's Blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Roger Turner says:

    I’m dating Taylor Swift

    I’m always playing music
    Alone on my guitar
    I don’t think I’ll be famous
    I’ll never get that far
    I play because I love it
    I go from bar to bar
    I sure don’t do it for the money
    I’m living in my car

    I’m not sure if I’ll make it
    The right person must hear
    The music that I’m making
    Must ring true within their ear
    In the clubs that I am playing
    They serve shots and luke warm beer
    So the ear for which I’m looking
    Is not to close to here

    If I wanna be famous
    And give my life a lift
    There’s just one way to do it
    And that’s by datingTaylor Swift
    We’ll hook up and we’ll break up
    I won’t be with her long
    Then she’ll put out a new album
    And she’ll put me in a song
    The only way to make it
    And to give my life a lift
    Is to go out and start dating
    That singer….Taylor Swift

    I sit home and I practice
    In the front seat not the back
    Remember, I’m living in my vehicle
    Beside the railroad track
    I don’t have much there with me
    My clothes fit in a sack
    Maybe one day I will make it
    And I’ll give fame a crack

    I can’t write my own music
    I just cover other songs
    The streets of fame are littered
    By folks like me who don’t belong
    But one day, I’ll just make it
    And I’ll prove them agents wrong
    One day I will be famous
    I’ll be the topic of a song

    If I wanna be famous
    And give my life a lift
    There’s just one way to do it
    And that’s by dating Taylor Swift
    We’ll hook up and we’ll break up
    I won’t be with her long
    Then she’ll put out a new album
    And she’ll put me in a song
    The only way to make it
    And to give my life a lift
    Is to go out and start dating
    That singer….Taylor Swift

    Liked by 2 people

  11. soumyaj says:

    This is so touching, I do hope Taylor gets to read this! :)


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s