Describe the Pain

You ask me how it feels.

How it feels?

Describe the pain.

The pain?

That I can’t.

~~~

It is a thin, gray substance that coats my entire body. It is elastic – it clings to every fold, crevice, dip and bulge. It is a glove, not a mitten, covering each of my fingers individually. It is a film around my eyeballs. It’s a thick platform beneath the soles of my feet. It is weaved within the hair that I chopped off. It is my outer layer of skin.

It is like a rubber band. If I focus, really hard, I can push it out – away from me – enough to let air in. If I push it really far, it lets hope in. But you must understand what being rubber means: it will always snap back. The minute you forget to focus on the light and hope, it smacks back, vacuuming itself to your body.

You can see through it, in the way that others don’t see it at all. You can see what you’re missing, but there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is like walking with a heavy cloud above your head every day, except the cloud is not above you but within you.

It is as strong as I am. The harder I fight to be rid of it, the harder it fights to stay with me. Because it is me. It’s my brain, it’s my wiring, and it’s my nerves. It has my nerve.

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

We’re tethered to the story we must tell. -Turning Page, Sleeping At Last

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6 comments on “Describe the Pain

  1. rosewrites says:

    You write beautifully, Ella. Thank you for using your eloquence to take the sting out of living with pain x

    Like

  2. Lois Roelofs says:

    A beautiful description of an ugly experience. Hang on.

    Like

  3. Josephine says:

    This resonates with me so strongly right now on a mental level. Lovely post.

    Like

  4. Lisa Alberta says:

    Reblogged this on Lyme. Autism. Alzheimer. Oh my! and commented:
    I had to share . . . . this is exactly what it’s like living with Lyme.

    Like

  5. Lisa Alberta says:

    You are an amazing writer! You were able to put into words what I could never explain about my struggles with Lyme Disease. Thank you :)

    Like

  6. This makes me think of the pain I feel; not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Sometimes it’s my enemy, sometimes I feel like it’s my only friend.

    Thank you for writing this. I appreciate it. Love you, sweetie. :)

    Like

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