The Endless Ands

And what about those nights when I don’t want to get up the next morning? When giving up is the easier option, because really, who would love me like this anyway?

And as I write these words I wait for the fight to kick in, for the anger to strike me and tell me not to believe that. But I wait like I wait for health: hopelessly.

And what if I’m tired of waiting?

And as I contemplate the bed I am getting into, I wonder about the bed I will wake up to. Will it have been slept in? Will I have spent another open-eyed night wishing the sun would rise more quickly and yet not rise at all?

And I have two arms. One I wrap around my body, tightly, because there is no one next to me to do it. One I keep free to wipe tears. The pain is too much.

And the fear is crippling. When health is but a fantasy, the future is but a question mark.

And I want to be hopeful. Sometimes it feels like I am winning, because I have a voice in my mind that tells me that right now is not really all that bad. Manageable. Definitely not the worst I’ve had. Perspective. You know the sort.

But there’s always a tonight, and I don’t want to get up in the morning.



Song Quote:

I got locked inside a sadness, I got lost inside my head, couldn’t find a light to make me glow. -Holes, Layla


7 comments on “The Endless Ands

  1. wendy says:

    I think this often.
    The other day, I was sitting in the chair and burst into tears….”I don’t want to give up!”

    It’s also said, when I do have someone to wrap an arm around, or he would wrap his arm around me….but he can’t. It hurts too much…or I get way too hot for him to even touch me. My temperature is very hard to regulate and if I get too hot, I get very sick. He’s there…a touch away…yet it may as well be an ocean.

    How many nights has he laid there and listened to me cry, knowing he can’t help.
    Knowing that if he reaching out, it will only make it worse because I will feel guilty for keeping him up, knowing he has to work the next day.
    He knows, if I need him, I will reach out, I will call out….but only if I need him…..only if I can’t do it alone.
    We have a deal, he understands…I need to feel some independence.

    How much does it hurt him?
    How much does it hurt me?


  2. Waza Solomon says:

    I don’t even know you yet I’m standing with you in faith that everything works for good. Love you Ella :)


  3. rosewrites says:

    I feel you, Ella! ‘I have two arms. One I wrap around my body, tightly, because there is no one next to me to do it. One I keep free to wipe tears.’ Beautiful and so relatable. Hugs x


  4. You are loved just the way you are. Always know that. Getting up in the morning is another opportunity to allow yourself to be loved. :)


  5. Ivy Dashti says:

    What does that mean ‘Who will love me like this’? I get that you are hurting in many ways (emotional, physical…) and I get that it is REALLY hard, even to the point of not wanting to wake up in the morning. But you are a heck of a lot more than that. The people who will love you will love you with the whole package- your package is more than the pain, the fatigue, the headaches … It includes the creative, intellectual, sassy, sweet, caring person you are, (and of course your many other qualities)! Thinking of you

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Zyp Czyk says:

    Oh yes, I know that feeling!

    With so relentless progress of the war against opioids & pain patients, so many of us are losing hope. Death is just a logical response to what’s going on – we are being pushed beyond hope:


  7. Josephine says:

    This describes the feelings I’ve been getting for a while now!!


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