Believing in Bloom

Sometimes I just feel it’s only me.

According to my brain and heart, there is Truth, Magic and Bloom.

Truth is personal. It belongs to each of us and to none of us. Whatever my Truth is, it’s legitimate, and whatever yours is, it is too. I try to see and understand each person’s Truth in the way that they do. You can’t deny the validity of somebody else’s world.

Magic is something I can’t seem to pin down… Magic is fleeting moments of pure joy, along with moments of awe and appreciation for everything that this incredible world holds. Magic is seeing the bigger picture and knowing it’s the little things. Magic is… hope. It is not something I control, but it’s something I’m learning to preserve in order to survive. To survive in the hopes I will reach:

Bloom.

Bloom is something I will only truly be able to achieve once I am better. Once I am healthy. Once I am free: released from this prison that coils bars around my bones and marches jail keepers around my core. You know my pain and you know my frustration – I feel no closer to health than I have any of the multiple times I’ve cried to you in writing about how hopeless I am.

Therefore, Bloom feels like an abstract concept that I run the risk of never really understanding. I’m not sure I believe in Bloom. Will it all just pass me by? It’s scary to think about it, because what if I find nothing but disappointment? What if I never get to Bloom?

~~~

Still I wonder. So I take a step back and evaluate my life. What I’ve done thus far with the circumstances I have been given makes me proud. I can declare, with my whole heart, that I am doing well. As always, “still so many ups and downs”, but I don’t take for granted all that I have been managing. When I compare now to this time last year… I know so much more than I did then. I just don’t know enough about Bloom. I’d like to believe it will happen naturally. Must sustain myself until then.

~~~

According to my brain and heart:

Bloom is what my Truth will be once Magic decides to come and stay.

~~~

Ella.

Song Quote:

I wish I could live a little more, look up to the sky not just the floor, I feel like my life is passing by and all I can do is watch and cry… I miss it when life was a party to be thrown, but that was a million years ago. -Million Years Ago, Adele

(I think everyone must relate to this song so differently… the first time I heard it I cried because I felt it perfectly summed up how I feel about being sick. Now when I cry I think to myself “My life is passing by and all I can is watch and cry”.)

~~~

P.s. This post is loaded with references to earlier pieces I’ve written and posted on this blog since I created it nearly three years ago. Did you catch them?

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4 comments on “Believing in Bloom

  1. Joanna Tan says:

    keep your chin up! (: you’re still living, take it from here, that there must be a purpose for your life you just have not yet discovered. Sending you some loven

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  2. Tosin Fajana says:

    Heyy… I think your miracle is in Love. Enjoy the things you have now. Love every thing and every activity you enjoy to the fullest. I think we humans will always crave for something higher. We are never going to be satisfied. Make each happy moment your bloom. Live each moment to it’s bloom.

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  3. Perhaps Bloom is finding freedom as you are, just as a flower blooms as it is.

    I’m not saying that you have to find the positive in what you’re experiencing, but maybe coming to a point in which you have peace with yourself, saying, “This is what I’m experiencing, and I’ll live and love and do good for others just as I am.” In other words, recognizing yourself as you are and finding peace anyway (loving yourself unconditionally). You know, like that saying, “Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.”

    In short, maybe you already are in Bloom, but simply don’t recognize it because you think something has to happen first before you can or should recognize it. But if you peel away this layer of requirement, you may find what you’re searching for. :)

    (I hope to God that made some kind of sense.)

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  4. lwarfield says:

    understand this-and like the word “Bloom.” I want you to know that in my fibro challenge, I have experienced BLOOM. I have been back and forth, but am starting to work again. I don’t know if bloom will happen for you, but I can hope. I will HOPE for you and want you to know, it MIGHT happen.

    Revel in the HOPE- Thanks for sharing!!!

    Like

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