Bloom.

All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.

-Ernest Hemingway

I never thought I would have the life I have now. I thought it was impossible, that I would be denied and deprived of it until the day I was no longer sick. I thought Bloom had been stolen from me. I thought like that up until so recently… and then everything changed.

Except that’s just it. Nothing changed. I changed. Sick and tired of waiting to be better to do what I wanted to do and live the way I wanted to live, I’d finally had enough. I remember telling my friends about this crazy idea I had. I told them where I wanted to move, that I had no idea what I would do, where I would live, or how I would get by, but that I was going to figure it out.

And I did. I turned it from something I thought would never happen, from a crazy idea, to a plan, then to a reality, to the life I have now that I can’t begin to tell you how much I love. I find myself thinking, always during the most humdrum moments, “This is Bloom”. My life was so lacking, and now I have everything I was missing. Minus health, of course.

It’s winter now and my pain is ever-present. The cold has turned my body into fragile marble. I feel like I’m drowning beneath the pain, suffocating because breathing takes too much out of me, freezing because my head can’t think over the sound of the struggle. And still —

I’ve never been as happy as I’ve been these last three months since moving. I’ve never felt this happy for this long. I’ve never been as happy to be buying fresh produce, walking to a train stop or doing my laundry. I’ve never been as happy to be in pain, because unlike in the past, I know the pain isn’t winning.

I’m winning. This is Bloom.

I’ll never forget I thought this life was something I would never have. I have it now, and not a day goes by that I’m not grateful for it. I’m grateful for it and I’m grateful for myself, for trusting my instincts and not letting my lack of hope or my lack of health stop me from daring to live.

To live in spite of it all.

Someone recently asked me how I manage to deal with all the pain, and my answer was simple: “I just really love life.”

That is the truest sentence I know.

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

I live for this feeling, this everglow. -Everglow, Coldplay

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7 comments on “Bloom.

  1. nicoleashleyh27gmailcom says:

    Love the message behind this post, and the quote in the beginning is just amazing! :)

    Like

  2. I am also glad you are finding happiness – may next year be better still!

    Like

  3. Val_ToWriter says:

    My gosh, Ella, that was so beautifully written, and so “true”. I’m so sorry that you have an illness that causes you pain daily — I don’t know how I’d deal with that, but you are, and doing so with bravery, hope, and a love. You write so well, too, conveying how your life is, and how you want it to be. You are a beacon of hope, I’m sure, to others who deal with pain. How you persevere is a lesson in hoping, planning, and loving life despite the obstacles.

    Like

  4. This post makes me sooooo happy!
    I’m so happy for YOU! So happy that there is hope for others! Just… happy!

    Like

  5. Ivy Dashti says:

    Ella dear- you rock!

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  6. So nice to hear you are so happy – and from that happiness may come some healing. I’ve been there… I am there. It is work to stay here, but I do it. Loving life.
    XO Donna

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  7. Inspiring post, Ella. Thank you for the hope.

    Like

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