Taking stock.

I have too many thoughts. I need to get them down.

Things that have hurt me:

  • Him not being there for me
  • Him changing plans at the last minute, all the time
  • Him being hours late
  • Him choosing other people over me
  • Him not calling me back and leaving me hanging
  • Him putting his needs above mine, all the time
  • Him saying negative things about my family
  • Feeling like I had to beg for attention
  • Feeling rejected and unimportant
  • Feeling alone, when I was meant to feel like I had him. Too often I felt like I couldn’t talk to him.
  • Being so confused when he says one thing but his behavior says another
  • Sometimes feeling afraid he would be judgy or dismissive about stuff
  • All the times he ruined my joy

What I’m looking forward to about being single:

  • Dating other people. Having new stories. Being my age.
  • Dating someone who eats vegetables, has a driver’s license, and who doesn’t have a secret job that takes priority
  • Dating someone who has more free time, who I can make casual, carefree plans with. Just dating someone who is actually around
  • Dating someone who is in a more similar place in life, and who is on the same schedule and timeline as I am
  • Dating someone who lives in the same city
  • Being able to be more present wherever I am, less distracted by someone far away. Being less attached to my phone, because my phone was my only potential connection to him.
  • Being more at peace with my truth
  • Not having to wait for him all the time
  • Not having to deal with him being forgetful and disorganized

Things I’ve hated about being single:

  • Not having him.
  • Not having him.
  • Not having him.

Steps I took towards moving on:

  • I found comfort with my family and my friends, who have been so unbelievably amazing and supportive. I’ve spoken to so many people in the past week, and they’ve all understood me so well, empathized, mourned the loss of him along with me, but also told me how proud they are of me. Reminded me how many more chances I’ll have to be in love, how worthy I am and how strong I am. How I will find someone (how they will help me find someone) who is everything I need and more, and who I can be happier with.
  • I cried myself out, until I had no tears left.
  • Studied for and completed my finals, even though I probably did less well than I could have. I was distracted by him and everything I was feeling. But I still did it – I showed up for the tests and I did my best, and the fact that less than 48 hours after I could sit for a four hour test is pretty impressive.
  • I gave him his stuff
  • I made a break up playlist called “I Choose Me”
  • I changed my profile pictures
  • I switched out the fairy lights he gave me for my own set
  • I changed his name in my phone back to his full name
  • I cancelled the tickets I bought us for a show
  • I took down our framed picture in my room, and moved our pictures from my phone to a backup drive. 896 photos. 
  • I put our pictures, magnets, and letters in a box. I didn’t cry when reading his letters.
  • I de-synchronized our calendars so he couldn’t access mine anymore
  • I had dinner at a friend’s house, met a gorgeous Italian there, and found out he now “has the hots” for me (friend’s wording, not mine)
  • I planned my next radio show to reclaim the songs I connected with him. “All of the songs I’m going to play for you tonight are songs that used to be linked to someone very special to me. Now we’re going to reclaim them, and change their meaning to be about closure.” The last song: “Don’t you forget about me”, from the end of The Breakfast Club.

Reasons I agreed to meet with him:

  • The end was so abrupt, and he was so in shock, that the whole conversation feels surreal and it makes sense to talk again
  • I haven’t stopped loving him, and since I’m the one who made the decision and it came as a complete surprise to him, I think the right and decent thing to do is be present for another conversation.
  • At the very least, it could mean a bit more closure.
  • I genuinely thought he would never reach out to me. He said, when I broke up with him, that he wouldn’t reach out to me. So the fact that he did – it has to mean something.
  • I hoped that he would fight for me and try to prove himself, and when he told me he wouldn’t, it really hurt. But now he’s changed his mind, and that’s what he’s trying to do. So I think it’s only right that I hear him out.
  • He waited to reach out to me until after my last final so that he wouldn’t interfere with my studying. That was considerate and shows he put my needs above his, which is a small sign that maybe something will change.

Things that would have to change:

  • So much. So much would have to change. I’ll just write a few.
  • He would have to learn how to stick to plans and be on time
  • He would have to make it clear that he knows where he was wrong, and that things really will be different. He would have to find a way to prove to me that he’ll set his priorities right
  • He would have to try harder with my family
  • He would have to put my needs first more often, and not just think about his needs
  • He can’t ever make me feel like a burden or an obligation. Shame on him if he ever repeats the things he wrote that night
  • In all honesty, he would have to start getting his license. It’s so frustrating that only I can drive, and it limits our options for fun because he can’t drive us back home late at night. Plus, as of a few months from now I might not be allowed to drive anymore, so it would be really crucial to be with someone who can

Reasons I’m scared to get back together with him:

  • What if I go back to him and nothing actually changes? I wanted to be done getting hurt.
  • I don’t want to have to leave him all over again.
  • I’m scared I’ll feel weak, for going back to something that already proved hurtful. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” sort of situation.
  • He was so good at saying what I needed to hear and making me feel like everything is okay. It made me quash my feelings down so many times and I’m scared things will fall back to the way they were. I don’t want to go back to him just because it’s hard to get over him and because he says the right things.
  • I’m scared if we get back together, and he tries super hard, and it still isn’t enough for… that could really hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him.
  • I’ve started taking steps to move on, and a lot of the steps have felt so good and so positive.
  • I’ll be sad to get back together because it will mean that I won’t get to see other people now and have new stories. No hooking up with random hot Italian dudes.

Reasons maybe I should get back together with him:

  • We’ve had such a significant, deep relationship, and it’s probably worth giving it another shot
  • What if he really has realized where he was wrong, and things do change, and this relationship lasts? I feel like I owe it to myself to see if that’s what will happen, so I don’t always wonder “what if”.
  • I know how to leave him. I’ve proved to myself and to him that if I need to make that decision, I can. Which means if I have to, I can do it again. If it has to end again, it won’t hurt as much, because the decision would be so much easier to make and I would have more closure and peace of mind than I do this time.
  • My mom reminded me what happened with her and my dad. When they were dating, my mom told my dad that she felt he didn’t love her enough and that she was going to move on and find something better for herself. Somehow that made it clear to my dad how much he appreciates, respects and loves her. It changed everything for him. It set everything in place for them. They’ve been happily married for 30 years. What if this is the shock to the system that our relationship needed?
  • It’s been such a strange thought that I wouldn’t be talking to him anymore or sharing my life with him. He’s such a huge part of my life, and that doesn’t just disappear.

What do I do?

~

Ella

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3 comments on “Taking stock.

  1. Nuar Rus says:

    Please check your email. I sickandsickofit@gmx.com… I have something to discuss.

    Like

  2. What you do is remember the reasons you decided to break up. What you do is avoid meeting him again in ‘private’ situations, or if possible avoid meeting him at all. Change your number. Keep away from media for a while. In short, close the door, move on. No good ever came of indecision, ever. Restore your pride. You are worth waiting for.

    Like

  3. Don says:

    Ain’t love grand! I think anyone who truly cares about people has been where you are. To make it worse you have committees, as do I, who vie for your attention depending on your state of mind. As a recovered person I would tell you that in my experience I needed to trust my feelings. I was unhappy and cut it off. I figured if I had to question it, we needed a break and if we are supposed to be together someday it will happen. Easy? – HELL NO – Right? – HELL YES. For me. Good luck!

    Like

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