Day 1.

 

December 3rd, 2016 – December 21st, 2018

 

His key on my desk. It’s over. Pile of tissues on the bed. On his side of the bed. An empty shelf in the closet. Missing utensils in the kitchen. No toothbrush. No future together.

I wanted one more night. I needed it. To live it while knowing it was the the last one, to hold him tight, to memorize the way it feels with him. To look into his beautiful eyes while I still could, and tell him how much I love him. I asked him for the night.

We both knew. We’ve known for a while. It was in the air, and we left it unspoken, so we could just have a little bit more time. It was heartbreakingly, gut-wrenchingly, sad.

There was nothing left to say. He won’t be my one and only forever. He won’t be mine anymore. Two years is the time we were destined to have.

But we tried so hard to save it. I tried so hard. It has taken me months to come to terms with the fact that there is nothing left I can try, nothing else I can do, except accept the situation. There’s no use fighting the truth anymore. You can only fight for so long.

We knew it had to end, and we knew that it would. That knowledge was tearing me apart. For months I’ve been stuck in a loop, trying to bring myself to end it but not wanting to. My heart has broken every day, over and over again, but it I never gave it a chance to heal. I’ve been preparing for Day 1 for so long, and fearing it for so long, but I never made it to Day 2.

Now it’s over. It’s Day 1. And tomorrow will be Day 2.

~

We put his things in the car and he pulled me a few steps aside. We hugged, and he twirled me around. We looked at each other lovingly, tears falling on my cheeks, glistening in the sunlight. We kissed. He called me his. I called him mine. He told me I’m beautiful. We walked the few steps back, holding hands. “My first love,” I smiled up at him, holding him with two hands. “And hopefully not your last,” he said. And smiled back.

~

Ella

~

Like it was written for our last night together…  “All I Ask” by Adele:

 

I will leave my heart at the door

I won’t say a word

They’ve all been said before, you know

So why don’t we just play pretend

Like we’re not scared of what is coming next

Or scared of having nothing left

 

Look, don’t get me wrong

I know there is no tomorrow

All I ask is

 

If this is my last night with you

Hold me like I’m more than just a friend

Give me a memory I can use

Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do

It matters how this ends

‘Cause what if I never love again?

 

I don’t need your honesty

It’s already in your eyes

And I’m sure my eyes, they speak for me

No one knows me like you do

And since you’re the only one that mattered

Tell me who do I run to?

….

Let this be our lesson in love

Let this be the way we remember us …. 

 

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3 comments on “Day 1.

  1. Solomon W says:

    Going through the same exact thing Ella. I can’t accept that two years is what we were destined to be. She was my first love. My one and only. My happily ever after. How do I face this harsh world without her by my side? I’m terrified. I never abandoned her despite her many screwups. Why won’t she reciprocate the patience I have shown with her? Why must she make me feel like I’m not worthy of the love I give. I’m at the bottom of the bottom. There’s no light in this dark tunnel i’m in. I can’t escape. The love of my life has become the bane of my existence. I can’t…carry on…I’m finished.

    Like

    • Ella says:

      Hi Solomon, I’d love to talk and help you in any way if I can. I know everything feels so hopeless right now, but you won’t always be at the bottom of the bottom. Day 1 is not the same as day 15, and definitely not the same as day 62. It can be so scary to suddenly be without the person who has meant everything to you, but I found it even scarier to be so deep in a relationship that wasn’t right. If the love of your life doesn’t make you feel worthy, she isn’t the love of your life. It sounds like you are so capable of caring deeply for another person, and one day another woman will come along and appreciate you for all that you’re worth. Just as one day a man will come along and realize he wants nothing more than to have me by his side for the rest of his life.
      We have to believe that carrying on will one day take us where we want to be.
      Stay strong ❤️

      Like

  2. Don says:

    I will pray for your healing

    Liked by 1 person

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