I will walk in there.

I will walk in there

With my head held high

And tell him it’s time

I say

Goodbye.

 

I will tell him:

 

For months and months

It’s been the same old story.

We’ve been going around and around

The same things

And nothing changes.

My feelings keep getting hurt

And I deserve better.

 

I don’t think you realize how much it hurts

When I get my hopes up that things will change.

 

I do what’s best for you

And you do what’s best for you.

Can’t you see that’s not how it’s meant to be?

 

Every time I have to wait for you to decide

Whether you’re going to come see me or not

(And you decide not).

Every time you say I should tell you what I need

And then I do

(And you don’t do it).

Every time I hear the phrase

“This is what’s right for me right now”

(And what’s right never seems to be

Being with me).

Every time,

I lose a little bit of my self respect

Because every time, I just accept.

But I can’t keep doing that.

There’s a limit

And we have reached it.

I don’t want to keep feeling like I have to beg

For your attention.

 

If I keep forgiving

That which hurts my heart

I’m not sure what I’ll have left of it.

 

It was exactly a year ago that I told you I loved you

For the very first time.

I gave my heart to you that night

And now I have to take it back.

 

I know my self worth.

 

I deserve someone who drops everything

When I tell them I need them.

I deserve someone who does the utmost they could possibly do

To get themselves to my side.

I deserve someone who wants to see me

More than anything.

I deserve someone who doesn’t make me wait

And wait and wait.

I deserve someone who never, ever,

Makes me feel (even just a little bit) rejected.

I deserve someone who puts me first,

And who loves in the way that I love.

 

Sometimes, you were that person.

But often, you weren’t.

I owe it to myself

To demand better.

 

I know my self worth.

 

I will say goodbye

And then I will walk out of there.

 

And also:

 

When I walk out of there

I will break my own heart.

~

Goodbye, Tomie Tom. You’ve been my world. I will always love you. I miss you already.

~

Ella

“I’ll always love you, but tonight’s the night I choose to walk away, I’ve got to.” Midnight Train, Sam Smith

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Just a little bit healthier.

I visualize it.

 

As I

Cook

Cut

And chew

My healthy food,

I visualize how

It will spread.

The all-natural, non-processed,

Antioxidants fibers minerals nutrients proteins vitamins

Will –

In alphabetical order –

Make their way to every single

(Prison) cell of mine

And make each and every one

Just a little bit healthier.

 

As I

Stretch

Strengthen

And sweat (so much)

In the gym,

I visualize how the exercise

Will exorcise my demons.

As I feel the burn

And wick the slickness

Off my broken body,

I pretend I’m working the sickness

Out

And muscle by muscle, making myself

Just a little bit healthier.

 

Watch me as I cling

To the desperate belief

That beholden in me

Is the innate ability

To make myself

Just a little bit healthier.

 

I’ve been visualizing it for so long,

Some might say I’m beginning to lose my mind.

But if I lost it, I would simply eat healthy and exercise

And try

(And fail)

To make that part of me

Just a little bit healthier, too.

~

Ella

 

Kiss me congratulations.

Kiss me congratulations

Because it’s always one foot in front of the other

And I’ve

Lost track

Of the days.

It’s the beauty of unbearable pain.

 

Kiss me congratulations

Because I got a new job

And I have a new apartment

And

      I.      Am.

Trying.

 

Kiss me congratulations

Because I can see and I can tell you

That the sky is as blue as the breeze

And the birds fly as high as the melodies.

I can see and I can tell you

That sometimes sight and speech

Can take a slight toll

On me.

It isn’t that everything is falling apart around me

It’s that I’m falling apart inside.

 

Kiss me congratulations

Because being strong has left me weak.

I promised that in my old age I would fill

The room around me

With all that is said and done.

Memories of a life lived and the people I lived it with.

Feelings I felt once before, not again,

And thoughts I only had back then.

 

Kiss me congratulations

Because maybe I don’t need to

Be in my old age to need to

Fill the room around me.

Maybe right now, more than anything,

I need a room full of phantom bodies dancing in the woods

To make me want to dance again.

 

So kiss me congratulations

And do it like you mean it.

 

~

Ella

 

“And we won’t place any stock in old days, let’s save up for something new.” -Rusty Clanton

 

Displaced.

 

It’s okay to be afraid to leave the first place I’ve ever truly been happy.

 

The microwave outside the door that we kept the spare key in.

The nighttime and the relief it brought with it.

The criss-cross paths around my office and the new staircases I discovered every day.

The watermelon and coal store.

The roof where I worked out under sunset skies.

The delicate brush on the light rail door.

The blue-pink-white-green-gray horizon from my bedroom window.

The gap at the bottom of the shower door that let all the water out.

The approximately 12 people it felt like I lived with.

The glass and marble table.

The pedestrian rage when tourists walked too slowly.

The park on Saturday afternoons and the market on Friday mornings.

The breeze that always played with the hemline of my dress..

The shop owners who knew my order.

The top step.

The beep that meant the laundry cycle was done.

The road I parked my car on – half an hour away from my apartment.

The trucks and cars and busses and ambulances and motorcycles – the noise I filtered out.

All the other noise I tried to filter out.

The spur-of-the-moment excursions that didn’t always make much sense.

The sunlight or the moonlight.

The view.

From the porch.

The porch, the porch, the porch.

With the swing.

The swing, the swing, the swing.

 

I’m really going to miss it.

 

I’ve left.

I’ve left the first place I’ve ever truly been happy

And now

I feel a little bit displaced.

 

~

Ella

 

“There is a place where I can go, when I feel low, when I feel blue, and it’s my mind, and there’s no time when I’m alone.” -The Beatles

The distinctly delicate way.

I didn’t blow out a candle

But if I had

I know

What I would have wished for.

 

My life is now dictated by dates

Destiny seemingly determined

By the designated number of days

Before (or was it)

After (perhaps)…

It’s in the distinctly delicate way everything always depends

On indefinite details just beyond my desperate grasp on –

All that is balanced precariously on other things I don’t know

And won’t know

Until (when?)

And then?…

 

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

The word is stubbornly haunting my mind. But,

 

Sometimes –

When you say goodbye –

You get to say hello again.

 

Change seems to have brought with it such dazzling things.

~

Ella

 

“Good times never seemed so good.” -Neil Diamond