21.

Part 1

Finally. Sweetheart, darling, sunshine, honey. I, miss, you, dearly. Far, apart, distance, expanse, away, shake, mama, shake, your, head, come, home. (21)

Tiny, dancer, I, love, the, peace, in, the, backseat, wish, I, was, there, direct, you, into, my, arms… I, love, you. (21)

Tom. (1 because you should know)

Part 2

Break, down. Missing, him, him, missing, me, so, much, happening, alone, confusing, questions, doubts, taken, aback, is, this, right? Missing, him. (21)

Always, waiting. Always, waiting, for, a, call, always, waiting, for, a, text. Him. Always, waiting, for, him, always, waiting, for, him. (21)

Confusing. (1 because it’s true)

Part 3

Trembling, in, your, arms, overcome, emotion, real, real, real, “You’re, not, a, burden, honey, you’re, a, blessing”, embracing, me, at, last. (21)

Warm, cozy, comforting, glowing, whisper, soft, tender, new, close, closer, illuminated, attentive, quiet, melting, fuzzy, admiring, dazzling, serenity, hushed, golden. (21)

Happy. (1 for good luck)

Part 4

Good, morning, Sunshine, snuggle, me, don’t, leave, and, then, and, then, and, then, his, life, was, almost, almost, and, I, can’t. (21)

I, can’t, believe, I, can’t, breathe, how, close, I, was, to, losing, him, please, fear, don’t, panic, leave, so, me, afraid. (21)

He’s, I’m, we’ll, be, okay, okay, okay, surreal, real, not, everyone, was, lucky, hold, me, we, are, gratitude, okay, unsettled, alive. (21)

Alive. (1 to remind myself we are)

21 days.

And. (1 to write this)

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

I believe in miracles. -You Sexy Thing, Hot Chocolate

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Brave.

 

It’s hard for me to write why I’m scared and what’s making me nervous. Clearly it’s all of it, but there’s something keeping me from using the words. In three days I’m moving out to a place I’ve never lived before to live with people I don’t know, and start a new job at a center where I know no one and will have to prove myself from scratch. It’s a lot, and my pain is through the roof. I’m barely sleeping and for the first time in awhile it feels like fibromyalgia is a dragon breathing fire once again.

I’ve been making promises to myself recently. Maybe I’ll use those words.

I promise to remember that it’s okay if:

  • I cry a lot.
  • I don’t conquer everything at once.
  • I feel scared.
  • I call home a lot.
  • I ask for help with silly things.
  • I cut myself some slack and not try as hard as I always do.
  • I feel lost and small. No need to feel even worse for feeling those things.
  • I don’t have fun right away. Things take time.

I promise to take good care of myself. To do so I need to make sure to:

  • Stretch before bed every night. Seriously.
  • Follow the annoying but wise “no-screens-after-nine-p.m.” rule.
  • Eat well, which means cook.
  • Keep up my exercise. Find a class or something… Yes! Become that young adult in a new place who joins groups to meet people.
  • Call my people.
  • Write a lot. It keeps me sane, it keeps me calm, and it’s beautiful to look back on. 
  • Listen to music all the time. Have dance parties. Rock out to my jams when I’m feeling down. It always works, like true magic.
  • Be nostalgic the appropriate amount. It’s par for the course. Draw strength from the experiences and memories.  

I promise not to forget that:

  • I deserve my best shot at life.
  • This whole adventure is a good thing. It’s what I wanted. Remember why you are where you are.
  • I am creative, capable, and a total badass, so I can turn anything that’s thrown my way into a piece of cake (that’s non-processed, dairy-free and chocolate-free. Maybe I need another metaphor). 
  • It might not be right away, but I will have fun! I will have so much fun. I can’t lose sight of that. I purposely created this year to have what I’ve been missing this past year – new people, independence and some fun.
  • There are so many people rooting for me. They have faith in me and they know I’ll do well and succeed and live a good life. If they know it, I should know it too.

Also, Ella? Once everything settles down your pain will alleviate. You know that, so don’t freak out. Survive it like you survive everything else. Don’t lose sight of everything. Ready set go.

Time to be brave.

~~~

Ella
Song Quote:

I did my best to assure her but assurance isn’t easy to give. -Words, Passenger

 

As promised, a new collage! This will go on the wall of my new bedroom.

collage

All of the pictures are from magazines, and I like to cut flowers out of different ads and glue them on for a pop of color.

collagecorner

“She believed she could, so she did”

Just Stop

Stop.

Stop the onslaught of time and how it rushes through your fingers like the sand you scoop by the sea.

Stop the pressure of the future that you can’t figure out and how it weighs on your mind all the time.

Stop doubting that you can and will do incredible things with your life and your talents and your passion for everything you love.

Stop feeling so small. Stop crying in the middle of the night, gasping for breath on your blue carpet because your life is not what you imagined it would be. Stop letting the fear get the better of you.

Just stop.

 

~~~

Life is the ups and the downs as much as it is the benign. I would never choose not to feel all of this, because all of this is what it’s all about. As always, I thank you for the kind comments you leave. You don’t even know me, and yet you know my lowest moments. Life is a journey and I’ve found myself with you along for the ride, and that is truly a gift.

Love,

Ella

 

Song Quote:

We’ve got younger faces than our hearts are letting on. -Novels, Rusty Clanton (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc5X66kFIMg)

The Endless Ands

And what about those nights when I don’t want to get up the next morning? When giving up is the easier option, because really, who would love me like this anyway?

And as I write these words I wait for the fight to kick in, for the anger to strike me and tell me not to believe that. But I wait like I wait for health: hopelessly.

And what if I’m tired of waiting?

And as I contemplate the bed I am getting into, I wonder about the bed I will wake up to. Will it have been slept in? Will I have spent another open-eyed night wishing the sun would rise more quickly and yet not rise at all?

And I have two arms. One I wrap around my body, tightly, because there is no one next to me to do it. One I keep free to wipe tears. The pain is too much.

And the fear is crippling. When health is but a fantasy, the future is but a question mark.

And I want to be hopeful. Sometimes it feels like I am winning, because I have a voice in my mind that tells me that right now is not really all that bad. Manageable. Definitely not the worst I’ve had. Perspective. You know the sort.

But there’s always a tonight, and I don’t want to get up in the morning.

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

I got locked inside a sadness, I got lost inside my head, couldn’t find a light to make me glow. -Holes, Layla

Wake Up Tomorrow

Tomorrow, I am going to wake up, and everything will be different. Better.

When I wake up tomorrow, my first thought will not be about pain. My first emotions will not be anxiety, fear, apprehension and sadness. I will wake up warm, cocooned in my blanket, feeling refreshed. When I open my eyes, I will look forward to my day.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will not be upset with my family. I will not feel like they say the wrong things. I will not be annoyed with them.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will not have to forcefully remind myself to appreciate what I have. Everything will feel so right that appreciation will come naturally. I will look at my life, and be pleased.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I will not think about how that girl’s hair looks better, how that girl has a better profile, or how that girl’s figure is nicer. That girl will not haunt my mirror-gazing.

When I wake up tomorrow, my day will not scare me. I will not think of each day as an age, each hour as a mountain to climb. I’ll be excited, about the possibilities each hour poses.

When I wake up tomorrow, I will no longer have Fibromyalgia.

These are my tomorrows. I live in today.

When I woke up today, I told myself to think about the dream I had. When I saw my family, I accepted, dealt with, and loved my interactions with them. When I looked at where I live, what I have, and who I know, I willed the appreciation to feel natural. When I looked in the mirror, I smiled. This hour, right now, is full of possibilities.

I have Fibromyalgia.

If I don’t have today, I will never have tomorrow. I welcome you, today.

Yours truly,

Ella

Song Quote:

I awake to find no peace of mind. -Spies, Coldplay