It’s hard for me to write why I’m scared and what’s making me nervous. Clearly it’s all of it, but there’s something keeping me from using the words. In three days I’m moving out to a place I’ve never lived before to live with people I don’t know, and start a new job at a center where I know no one and will have to prove myself from scratch. It’s a lot, and my pain is through the roof. I’m barely sleeping and for the first time in awhile it feels like fibromyalgia is a dragon breathing fire once again.
I’ve been making promises to myself recently. Maybe I’ll use those words.
I promise to remember that it’s okay if:
- I cry a lot.
- I don’t conquer everything at once.
- I feel scared.
- I call home a lot.
- I ask for help with silly things.
- I cut myself some slack and not try as hard as I always do.
- I feel lost and small. No need to feel even worse for feeling those things.
- I don’t have fun right away. Things take time.
I promise to take good care of myself. To do so I need to make sure to:
- Stretch before bed every night. Seriously.
- Follow the annoying but wise “no-screens-after-nine-p.m.” rule.
- Eat well, which means cook.
- Keep up my exercise. Find a class or something… Yes! Become that young adult in a new place who joins groups to meet people.
- Call my people.
- Write a lot. It keeps me sane, it keeps me calm, and it’s beautiful to look back on.
- Listen to music all the time. Have dance parties. Rock out to my jams when I’m feeling down. It always works, like true magic.
- Be nostalgic the appropriate amount. It’s par for the course. Draw strength from the experiences and memories.
I promise not to forget that:
- I deserve my best shot at life.
- This whole adventure is a good thing. It’s what I wanted. Remember why you are where you are.
- I am creative, capable, and a total badass, so I can turn anything that’s thrown my way into a piece of cake (that’s non-processed, dairy-free and chocolate-free. Maybe I need another metaphor).
- It might not be right away, but I will have fun! I will have so much fun. I can’t lose sight of that. I purposely created this year to have what I’ve been missing this past year – new people, independence and some fun.
- There are so many people rooting for me. They have faith in me and they know I’ll do well and succeed and live a good life. If they know it, I should know it too.
Also, Ella? Once everything settles down your pain will alleviate. You know that, so don’t freak out. Survive it like you survive everything else. Don’t lose sight of everything. Ready set go.
Time to be brave.
I did my best to assure her but assurance isn’t easy to give. -Words, Passenger
As promised, a new collage! This will go on the wall of my new bedroom.