Describe the Pain

You ask me how it feels.

How it feels?

Describe the pain.

The pain?

That I can’t.

~~~

It is a thin, gray substance that coats my entire body. It is elastic – it clings to every fold, crevice, dip and bulge. It is a glove, not a mitten, covering each of my fingers individually. It is a film around my eyeballs. It’s a thick platform beneath the soles of my feet. It is weaved within the hair that I chopped off. It is my outer layer of skin.

It is like a rubber band. If I focus, really hard, I can push it out – away from me – enough to let air in. If I push it really far, it lets hope in. But you must understand what being rubber means: it will always snap back. The minute you forget to focus on the light and hope, it smacks back, vacuuming itself to your body.

You can see through it, in the way that others don’t see it at all. You can see what you’re missing, but there isn’t a thing you can do about it. It is like walking with a heavy cloud above your head every day, except the cloud is not above you but within you.

It is as strong as I am. The harder I fight to be rid of it, the harder it fights to stay with me. Because it is me. It’s my brain, it’s my wiring, and it’s my nerves. It has my nerve.

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

We’re tethered to the story we must tell. -Turning Page, Sleeping At Last

A Conversation

Wake up, Ella. You’re letting life pass you by. Remember when you said you wouldn’t do that? You wouldn’t lose sight of the bigger picture?

Gone is the confidence. Gone is the positivity. Gone is the girl that believes she can weather anything with a good attitude. 

Remember when you wrote about the little things? You should really figure out how to find those again. 

Instead is a common foe: pain. 

I know it’s hard, sweetie. But you used to see magic everywhere… I bet you there’s still magic.

Pain is led on a high horse to a royal throne, where he presides with a mighty hand and a nasty manner. 

Can you remember the last time you were truly happy?

His land is Headache Kingdom, and his name: Sir Hurts-A-Lot.

You know what, don’t think about past happiness. Think about the future. How are you going to find a way to be happy?

Live obediently under his rule or risk his wrath.

~~~

Ella

Song Quote:

For diamonds do appear to be just like broken glass to me. -Northern Downpour, Panic At The Disco

Actual Truth

Dear Abandoned Blog,

It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. Sometimes I just feel I’ve said all there is to say. The picture of my life has not yet evolved; I am still sick and I am still sick of it (more and more each day). Countless times I have moved beyond the moments of thinking I can’t take it anymore.

This summer marks four years since my headaches started and three years since diagnosis. What have I learned in all this time? Many things, that’s for sure, but none that make me feel like it’s been worth it.

It’s hard to be in pain all the time. As I once wrote, “My friends wonder how I do it, and I wonder why.” I often find myself in this numb state, where my anger is equal to my pain level and as the two compete I turn into a sort of zombie. I care so much that I just can’t care anymore, because caring doesn’t get me anywhere.

A problem shared is a problem cut in two, but I can’t share this pain because it is mine alone to bear. I’m by myself with it, feeling it day in and day out. I barely sleep anymore. I spend hours every night staring at the ceiling, blinking away tears, because the pain is so bad and there’s nothing I can do but survive it. All I want is for someone to hold me and make the pain go away.

Dear blog of mine, please don’t feel hurt. As you can see, I’ve been dealing with a lot. I’m very unhappy.

Since I last wrote to you, I graduated. I was in charge of graduation, and for three months I put my heart and soul into planning a beautiful evening. It took a lot out of me. I didn’t cry until after I got my diploma and walked offstage. It was a moment of relief, realizing it all went off without a hitch and I had no more responsibilities, but also a moment of great, deep sadness. I’m never going to get those years back.

I’ve been sick for so long, and the past four months have pretty much been the worst I’ve ever had physically. I told myself it was the pressure. It was the stress of graduation work, tests, social events, etc. But it’s been a month since I graduated, and I’m not doing very well. I’m in a pain spiral and it’s dreadful.

Please understand, dear blog, that it is not about you. It’s about me.

I love you,

Ella

Song Quote:

The tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can’t replace. –Fix You, Coldplay

Some Truths

I have this fear that my life is a story.

I worry I will one day faint down the stairs.

When my body crashes and I feel worse, my body self esteem dips.

I’m good at being the bigger person when someone else can’t be.

I’m always the one to speak. I’m not sure I like that.

I can’t think of any deep, dark secrets I have.

Sometimes I sip water as though my life depends on finishing the bottle. I wish it could be my salvation.

I think that as a child I suppressed my jealous streak, but it’s still in there somewhere. Maybe that’s my deep, dark secret.

I miss not knowing about the horrible things that happen in the world.

Just some truths today. What are yours?

Ella

Song Quote:

Sometimes I think that I think too much. – Hold You, Nina Nesbitt

The Gas Station Anecdote

Last week I took the car to get cleaned and sat on a nearby chair reading a book. At first I didn’t understand why everyone was giving me these weird looks, and then I realized I’m a girl sitting in a gas station reading Ernest Hemingway. Now I get it.

As supremely uncomfortable as I was, I buried my nose in my book and didn’t look up until it was time to give the tip. Which I first dropped on the floor. Because I’m just cool like that. I also started driving without popping the right mirror back in place. Because I’m cool like that. I then awkwardly leaned over the right seat and flailed my phalanges at it while the man waited next to me. But only because I’m cool like that.

Good story.

Anecdotally,

Ella

Have you had a similar experience? Or are you just generally cool like I am? Tell me in the comments below!

Song Quote:

I wish that I could be like the cool kids. –Cool Kids, Echosmith

~~~

“The Anecdotes” is a series of fairly mundane life occurrences documented by Ella. They are a result of a busy schedule that has led to an upsetting lull in posting. Ella hopes The Anecdotes will amuse you as they amuse her and that you will join her in recognizing the reality of every situation she is in. She will now stop talking in third person because she’s pretty sure she’s insane. Read the full introduction here.

The Anecdotes – An Introduction 

“The Anecdotes” is a series of fairly mundane life occurrences documented by Ella. They are a result of a busy schedule that has led to an upsetting lull in posting. Ella hopes The Anecdotes will amuse you as they amuse her and that you will join her in recognizing the reality of every situation she is in. She will now stop talking in third person because she’s pretty sure she’s insane.

The Anecdotes will be posted sporadically and irresponsibly, but that is their beauty. Like life, they are unexpected and occasionally charming. Though a break from the regular writing style on here, they are nonetheless as sufficient and as satisfying as the usual. And way more causal.

Share the love.

Ella

(Do not fret and do not frown, both regular posts and Anecdotal posts will contain the trademark song quotes. I would never let you down like that.)

Song Quote:

We like you, this is a game already won, the time has come, stop trying. -Stop Trying, Sia

 

Are you excited to read Anecdotes?! Let me know in the comments below!

A Letter to My Enemy

Writing-A-Letter

Dear Fibromyalgia,

I’d like to talk doogree with you.

           Doogree- straightforwardly, with no beating around the bush

I am no longer naïve enough to believe that despite your presence I can make my life the way I’d like it to be. I am old enough now to realize that I can never make peace with you. I will never be my truest self until I am rid of you.

Did you hear that? I will not be free until I am free of you.

You are constricting me. You are suffocating me. You are the enemy I fear, the pain I dread, and the negative I cannot escape. You. Suck.

My friends wonder how I do it, how I live with you in my life. I wonder why.

I just want to make sure you are not mistaken on this: we are not friends. It has been years and I tolerate you, but that does not mean I do not hate you with every fiber of my being.

See what I did there?

There is not much more to say.

The next time I write to you, I hope it will be a goodbye.

Ella

Song Quote:

Light up, light up, as if you have a choice. –Run, Snow Patrol