Teardrops on the Stairs

I left a path of teardrops on the stairs today. I think I’m going crazy. I walked in a circle, sat in a circle, turned in a circle.

I cried today. I cried because I needed to scream. In the rare few hours with the house to myself I wandered around and trailed tears behind me. I cried on the floor. I cried on a chair. Tears and tears and tears and tears.

Today I let myself feel the self-pity and fall apart. I let myself cry and cry and cry.

My body is rocking. Rocking back and forth as my brain tries to cope with the pain it’s sending, so distraught over causing its own demise. I blame you, brain.

I cried because I’m angry. I’ve lost so much in my life because of this and I feel my future slipping through my fingers. The decisions, the important and meaningful decisions, are being made not by me but by my illness, whose existence I’ve been bearing upon myself, by myself, for the last four years.

I wish I could end this on some uplifting note of how I carry myself gracefully and nobly through the pain, but I cannot. Today I bowed beneath the pain, I broke. The task is to build myself up again, but I can’t locate the part in me that knows how to do that. Maybe it broke.

Today I left a trail of tears on the stairs, and I can’t find a tissue to clean it up. I fear someone else will slip as I have.

Ella.

Song Quote:

You’ve been crying out for forever, but forever’s come and gone. -When You Break, Bear’s Den

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Supermarket Kind Of Feeling

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I love the possibilities that supermarkets represent. You walk in through the sliding doors (I call them “vooshing doors”), smell the smell of groceries (there is such a thing), and you just have so many options. You can turn right, left, or continue straight. You can walk down the aisles, or skip, or run, or crawl. You can go by a grocery list, or you can trust your instincts. You can pick things up, then put them back, then hug them, and apologize for making them feel unwanted. You can buy whatever you want, be it milk, meat, bread, soap, flowers, towels, or a shopping cart. Well, not the latter, but you get the point.

There is something about supermarkets that makes me really happy. Today, I went into one with my mom, and it was a sight to be seen. We were standing by the cheese circle (or stand, but circle sounds cooler), and my mother turned to me, and asked me to get the milk.

So I happily skipped off, and picked up three drink yogurts, the milk, and a box of cereal. As you can imagine, though my arms are long, it was kind of hard to keep a hold on all of these. But hey, they were on the way. I was walking back to The Circle, and trying to navigate my way in between people. People who thought I was a maniac, because I was walking with my arms full of food, dodging shopping carts, with a maniac-like smile on my face. So I kind of get them. My hair was also full of chlorine, not that that has anything to do with anything. I just thought I would put it out there.

You see, when I think a situation is awkward, or weird, or funny, I find it amusing. It’s the part of me that sees the bigger picture, that views the scene as a spectator would, and simply finds it funny. There I am, looking loco, and power walking to my mom. She looks up, smiles, and says, “I think we’re going to need a cart”. The carts are stationed outside of the supermarket, so I tried to pass her my items, and we ended up piling them against the edge of The Circle. I found this amusing as well. Which made me almost topple our beloved pile over. As I passed my mother, heading to the entrance/exit, she said very quietly and humor-fully, “don’t embarrass me”. I found this very funny too, so my smile simply seized more ground on my face.

Now, I’m walking, walking, walking, and I just think this is really fun, and humorous. People are looking at me kind of oddly, or to be exact, like I’m odd, so I try to tone it down a bit. Once I get to the carts, and turn one around to head back in, I think to myself, what the heck? So I smile. Really widely. The guard, at the entrance to the supermarket, started looking at me kind of weirdly. If you haven’t gotten the gist yet, that made me smile even more. I stood up tall, gripped the pushy-bar really tight, and walked through the vooshing doors giggling. That turned into full-out laughing, and by the time I got to my mom, I was practically crying from joy.

We just put everything into the cart, and off I flew. I was really just laughing at this point. Laughing here, laughing there, laughing up the aisle, down the aisle, laughing by the cereal (yes, I bought two boxes), laughing by the hair accessories, by the cute guy buying junk food, by the old lady who moved her cart so I could pass without having to stop laughing. I swear I must have been high on the chlorine or something, because I just found all of it so darn merry. Or maybe I was just happy. Maybe I’m in love with supermarkets.

When we eventually made it to check out, I was striding tall, laughing openly. Everything I saw was uplifting. When the cashier asked if we have a membership card, and my mother pulled hers out, I said, “We’re so cool, we’re members”. That made my mom and the cashier laugh, which made me crack up again.

But really, everyone, to top all of that off, was the look the guard gave me as were leaving. He clearly recognized me as the wacko who pushed her cart like it was a brand-new baby or something, and he was giving me those wary eyes that people give you when they’re not quite sure what to make of you. Guess what I did? No really, guess.

I laughed. I looked him in the eyes, beamed, and laughed. I felt like I was on top of the world, because I had a mom, a shopping cart, and breakfast food. And I am, I am on the top of the world. It feels good, let me tell you that.

So try it some time, go to a supermarket, and grin every time you see something you like. You’ll get some weird looks, and that will make you laugh. Once you’re laughing, and people are staring, you’ll feel like you’ve got the power. You are now on top of the world.

It’s a supermarket kind of feeling.

Yours truly,

Ella

Song quote:

Been dreaming of this since a child, I’m on top of the world. -On Top Of The World, Imagine Dragons

(I got the power….)

(I got a feeling that I never, never, never had before….)