Teardrops on the Stairs

I left a path of teardrops on the stairs today. I think I’m going crazy. I walked in a circle, sat in a circle, turned in a circle.

I cried today. I cried because I needed to scream. In the rare few hours with the house to myself I wandered around and trailed tears behind me. I cried on the floor. I cried on a chair. Tears and tears and tears and tears.

Today I let myself feel the self-pity and fall apart. I let myself cry and cry and cry.

My body is rocking. Rocking back and forth as my brain tries to cope with the pain it’s sending, so distraught over causing its own demise. I blame you, brain.

I cried because I’m angry. I’ve lost so much in my life because of this and I feel my future slipping through my fingers. The decisions, the important and meaningful decisions, are being made not by me but by my illness, whose existence I’ve been bearing upon myself, by myself, for the last four years.

I wish I could end this on some uplifting note of how I carry myself gracefully and nobly through the pain, but I cannot. Today I bowed beneath the pain, I broke. The task is to build myself up again, but I can’t locate the part in me that knows how to do that. Maybe it broke.

Today I left a trail of tears on the stairs, and I can’t find a tissue to clean it up. I fear someone else will slip as I have.

Ella.

Song Quote:

You’ve been crying out for forever, but forever’s come and gone. -When You Break, Bear’s Den

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15 comments on “Teardrops on the Stairs

  1. What a beautiful posting expressing a terrible reality of living with chronic pain. Know that these depths of despair happen, and you can walk through them. And you must walk through them and not give up or get stuck– but feeling these feelings and letting them out needs to happen. Slowly, and with the gentleness you deserve, walk on.

    In living with such pain for over 20 years and having my own life be unwillingly transformed, I recognize these days when I fall apart. Strength is irrelevant in those moments, just let it all out. They will happen, and it will be OK. Grieving doesn’t happen all at once, it is an ongoing process of grief to live this way and learning to adapt.

    I have found a few things help in such times: reading about another’s experiences, distracting myself from the pain and frustration (watching movies, reading, spending time with animals, cloud watching, being in nature), and talking a lot of deep breaths.

    Know these intense feelings can and do pass. They do. Always.

    There are many of us who walk this road. Find us online, read about us, and know we are all learning how to make our lives anew.

    You can do this.

    A step at a time.

    Like

  2. coconutkris says:

    <3 Crying IS good, the rocking…I've been there, on the floor, rocking myself, back and forth- it is healthy- to rock like that- even if it feels a little crazy. It is what a mother instinctively does to comfort her baby…a comforting movement. We walk around holding SO much in when we are ill, because we have to work SO hard to function, to be 'okay,' but there is so much grief inside us, emotion that needs to be expressed…. *Hug*

    Like

  3. For going through what you’re going through, you’re a total hero.

    Hang in there, sweetie. :)

    Like

  4. There’s something about being alone in a house that lets us loose.
    Breaking is easier when no one else is around.
    Hold on,stay strong.Sending you hugs and chocolate(cuz it always helps).

    Like

  5. I have nothing to add to what has been said here, other than to say that you are beyond brave. You have the courage to tell your story. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Waza Solomon says:

    No matter what you’re going through, i want you to know that christ loves you and he is for you. Whosoever calls upon his name, shall be saved. Isaiah 53:5 tells us “he was pierced for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his wounds we are healed.”

    We have not because we ask not. John 16:24 says “Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.”

    There is power in the name of Jesus. I challenge you, in the midst of your tears and pain, Call upon the name of Jesus and you won’t be disapointed. He has never failed and thats a fact.

    Song: Oceans Where My Feet Fail ~ Hillsong

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  7. Being strong for too long will always catch up to you and lead to days like this. I had one myself a couple days ago. It doesnt make us weak. It makes us human. ((hugs))
    Sending strength vibes your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Chronic pain is emotionally very hard on us. In ways we don’t even expect, really. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a hard time and I hope you start feeling better soon.

    Like

  9. Solomon Grey says:

    that really sucks, im so sorry. Just thought i would say that you really inspire me. thank you so much for creating this blog. hope you feel better

    Like

  10. ChronicMom says:

    I feel your pain. I’ve had those days too. Sometimes you just need to let yourself be miserable because being sick is just too freaking hard.

    Like

  11. drgnflie says:

    I’m so sorry, I’ve had many of these days, I know how painful they are.
    “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 56:8

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Could I be so bold as to suggest that you go and talk to your doctor? You sound like you’re in real pain and no one would expect you to endure it alone. Get help. And if I can be of any help whatsoever, don’t hesitate to holler.

    Like

  13. Sandra says:

    Sorry you’re suffering so much, I wish I could help.

    Like

  14. Zyp Czyk says:

    I’m so sorry you’re having “one of those days” – leaving a trail of tears as evidence of your suffering. Sometimes we fall down and can’t get up… at least not for a while. It’s OK to be down, you have good reasons, so don’t start beating yourself up for that on top of it all.

    Remember, we can only have “ups” because we have downs – a life of constant good feelings is not possible. The good thing about getting so miserable is that it makes anything a bit more bearable feel downright great :-)

    I tell myself that I’ve been miserable before and, so far, have always gotten back up eventually. Experience tells me this will pass and then I just have to wait. But the waiting while in pain can be agonizing or paralyzing, and usually both.

    I try to tell myself to stop exhausting myself by resisting it, to go ahead and be miserable, but keep in mind it won’t be forever. That at least gives me a little break.

    As I was reading your post, it reminded me of how I felt when I wrote this poem:
    https://edsinfo.wordpress.com/2015/03/25/living-with-chronic-pain-broken/

    Hang in there and give time a chance to work its healing magic.

    Like

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